Living with a husband with anxiety and depression

He is often verbally abusive (never physically, thankfully) and actively isolates himself from us to be alone.

Elephant,
I came looking to this website because I am in exactly the same situation as you. I am at my wits end on what to do anymore. All I can think is thank goodness I am currently well because if I wasn't the whole household would fall apart.
I am acused on a daily basis of having an affair, yelled at in front of the children, he has been physical with me. I have only loved, supported and committed myself to this man who now believes I am a nothing which is so very hurtful all the time.
I work full time in a very demanding job and have two children aged 5 and 11. I have always helped contribute within the relationship financially very well.
I feel now I have built this wall up between me and him. I can't stand for him to touch me, kiss me or even become intimate with me. This makes him more upset with me and yells whatever sort of abuse that comes to his head.
I feel he is getting worse even though on medication.
I feel so helpless.
I wish I could leave, but feel I don't have the strength to walk away.

Hi bellab,

thanks for visiting our site and sharing your circumstances with us. I know that it gives other carers and families who are experiencing similar issues great relief to see (or read) that they are not alone. That it no way suggests that because it is common that it is ok, but it is of comfort to know that we are not alone in our personal circumstances as we often feel so isolated.

Often the opportunity to write and to express our feelings and frustrations of a day, week, life in the shadow of mental illness can help but it is also beneficial to be able to talk to others and to reflect on their strategies and coping skills. I would encourage people who are affected by this to call our Information and Support Line as each and every person's circumstances, whilst sounding similar are different and unique and may require different resources and information.

Our Information and Support Line is available Monday to Friday from 9am to 5pm.  Staff and volunteer support workers can be contacted on (02) 9332 0700 or Toll Free on 1800 655 198.

Thank you again for sharing your story.

Hi All

After many times of going through this alone I found this website to express my feelings. My husband suffers from severe depression and anxiety but holds up best he can. We have only been married for 4 years and the depression has only been new for about 3 of it.

I just fear coming home to him in the shower washing blood away from where he has self harmed with a knife. It breaks my heart every time. I fear one day it will be so much worse. I fear the days ahead when we have kiddies and they ask me why Daddy has scars all over his arms and legs. On days like this when people talk about growing old together I wonder if I'll ever get the chance.

He is on medication which seems to be doing the trick but sometimes when he forgets to take it, it goes bad for him. Or sometimes when a particular stress occurs he can't help but spiral into an angry 'I hate myself' phase. It's so frustrating that his communication levels suck.

He's a great husband, beautiful, kind, loving, caring. I just wish I could do more for him. I wish I could put on a special suit and go one to one combat with his illness and snap its neck.

I love him so much but he surely does break my heart sometimes and it hurts so much but I know I need to be strong.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Lots of love

Star

I was reading Elephant's post and relate to it very much, although the person i am referring to is my Father. I can be so sweet & funny; on the other hand he can be so mean, cruel, and selfish and his energy is just so indescribably hard to be around, he's just sad and angry all the time. His whole family has distanced themselves from him (and he cries about being alone) and now his children have distanced themselves because after so many interventions it just doesn't help. He has seen two psychologists and has stopped going. He says to us that the psychologist said that he doesn't need treatment. He gave permission for the second psychologist to speak to me after their 1hr consultation, what he doesn't know that she saw everything that we have experienced in the space of 1hr. High & lows, Hot and colds, aggression and his grandiose stories.

We feel sorry for him and my Mum just bares the pain and strain of living with him because he is too depressed to take care of himself. He's in his 60s and now has been diagnosed with acute prostate cancer (35% of men get it) so it's (thankfully) not severe but he doesn't see that he has been given so many chances in his life to wake up and appreciate what he has.

He has resented everything in his life, past and present. Cannot let go of the past. Still wanting to sue his last employer of 22years ago and just won't let things go.

He was successful in his country and here has been difficult, so he has grown to be a depressed, resentful and lonely man.

We don't know what else to do. I just bought a house with my husband and just don't know how to leave my Mum alone with him. It's sad existence he has created and it has sucked us in. We are a happy family and appreciate life and love one another so, so much. It takes this one person to dampen our positivity.

I love him so much, but i hate who he can be. He has even lied about me saying i have hit him over the head with a bottle and acts all dizzy and hold his chest. I argue with him yes. I have not hit him. I am the youngest in the family and i guess i confront him more than my Brother and Sister do. They have their own loves and families. I have lived with my (now) husband at home with them and boy has it had it's ups and downs.

My main concern is my Mum and her safety because it looks like he could snap at any word! And she will cop it.

EVERY thought is vented out on to her. Venting about his past losses, and his current venting. It's like a broken record. Then the next thing.. he acts like nothing has happened.

He says he’s already dead. He says he is homeless. His stories are all over the place and we can’t follow him, which can get him frustrated.

He's a drain.

Thank you for allowing me to post this. I hope it wasn't inappropriate.

Hello,I relate to Elephant quite well,my wife has had a few setbacks over the last month & has led to a build up of anxiety to the point of being admitted into a MHU,as much as I tried to keep her safe & home,it was frustrating that she would ignore my help in anyway,like controlled slow breathing.Now I will have to endure weeks of seeing my wife in hospital with our 2.4yr old & await the side effects of these so called miracle drugs,one is Akathesia,that dr's wont inform relatives of,let alone the patients,it's a really bad anxiety/panic attack thats never ending & it's hard to cope sometimes as my wife is my soulmate & i'll stand by her till I die.I wish MH dr's would do more than prescribe drugs,like have 1 on 1 talks,group therapy,counselling,etc. Incarceration will not help those needing to be home with loved ones,they are not criminals,nor insane,most just have issues in life that they find difficult & need to express,not supressed by mind altering drugs.

Hi all,

I too am in a similar situation with my husband being bipolar and having anxiety and has been depressed for months.In fact I cannot remember when he was ok. He really just moves between severely depressed to moderately depressed and it takes it toll on me for sure. I am so tired and have unhappy and have started to hide from the world with him. It is easy to get on board and isolate with him because it takes all my strength to support us and deal with him when I get home. He too spends most of his time sleeping and drinking and smoking. He does work but has had lots of time off due to the illness. We used to have periods where he was ok so I could remember why I was here but lately they are few and far between so I am not sure why I stay as well. I do love him or the him he used to be. He is also tired of fighting this and pretending all is well to the outside world and his family. The last visit we had to his psychologist was a "tough love" session where his doctor said if you dont start doing the work I cant help you. I felt so let down and betrayed as he was one of our last hopes and lets face it tough love aint working with someone who is depressed. Anyway I am spending the day looking after me for a change and really needed to let that out. Its so nice to be able to get it off your chest without having to tell another individual who will be either uncomfortable or look at you with pity..I dont need that I just want to tell someone... thanks for listening or reading or just giving me a safe outlet.

Ruby

I now know, without a doubt, I am not alone in my situation. And that brings a lot of relief to me.

For 2 years my husband has been suffering depression. Although it was only diagnosed about 9 months ago and he's been on medication since. But he had a previous bout for about 18mths in his teens, now he's in his 30s. For 2 years we've been struggling as a couple and I've been hearing "I don't know if I love you anymore". Three and a half years ago we completely changed our lives. We moved from the city to the country, building our house, leaving steady full time employment to start our own business and no income to start with. Only a year before that we had our first (and only) child and renovated our house. These milestones are all 'triggers' according to our psychologist and he says that 1 or 2 would be likely to set someone like my husband off, so it's no wonder being 'hit' with 4 or 5 put us in a tailspin. Then 2 years ago, one year into our move he was distracted by another woman which brought this all to head. There was no physical betrayal, but there were inappropriate texts and maybe some wishful thinking about the grass being greener. How far it would have gone I do not know. The psychologist tells me that the other woman is likely just a distraction and nothing to worry about. But how do you know if your husband is unsure about his feelings for you because of moments in your lives which have caused trigger points OR is it because he's distracted by a woman that makes him doubt? It's a vicious circle and trying to work out an answer has almost driven me insane!

Nearly everyday I feel like I am beating my head against a brickwall. I have no physical contact with my husband - he's not interested. I get hugs and pecks when I instigate it. He's shut off to me and our relationship. He interacts with our son really well but will not be hands on around the house or with those menial daily tasks. It's like living with a house mate who happens to sleep (literally) in the same bed/room.

People ask "why are you still with him 2 years on". But I ask them "how long would you wait for your partner to get through this" and they seem to understand. We've been together for 12 yrs. But for me, it's the uncertainty of when this will break. When will the skies clear and be blue again? Will he ever get out of this cloud of uncertainty? And is he just 'happy' where he is? He works but it doesn't bring in enough income to survive. Mostly because he takes so long to complete things due to depression. I've now taken on a job. So now I have to work all day then come home and do all the chores. But it's given me a new lease on life, I feel like I'm worth something and can have a life away from home. And it's taken my focus off him, which takes pressure off him.

I don't mean to complain but I feel so unappreciated all of the time. I feel invisible and I wonder if things will ever change? Or do I have to make the change by leaving? He doesn't seem to want to help himself preferring instead to ride this out. He's on medication but can go for days without it and there's a noticable difference, like a black cloud has entered our house.

From speaking to a relative who suffers from depression he tells me it's the depression that is clouding my husband's mind regarding his feelings to me. But i don't know how someone who loved you so much once upon a time can treat you so disrespectively now? How can he not see it's tearing me apart? I just want to be seen, be appreciated, be touched, be loved. I deserve it. And our son deserves to see me treated this way. I can't do anymore to help my husband. He has to help himself. I don't know what more to do, but vent on here.

All in all, thanks everyone for letting me know that I'm not in this alone.

OHMIGOD Defeated! You and I are two peas in a pod. I hate that you are going through this. And I hate that I am too. But to know that there is someone else out there in a very similar situation is such a relief. I can't express it.

The only difference is as much as my husband's moods and lack of interest or concern for me frustrate me etc, I still feel I want him in my life. But do I, or is this just habit talking? Fear of the future without him? I'm not sure. I daydream about someone else. This person doesn't have a face, but they have characteristics that are different to my husband. But there have been times when I think the worst for him. It's awful but I there have been times where I don't think I can go on another day as it is

I know that having parents that aren't functioning properly but staying together for the sake of the child is not the best environment for our son. I really do know that, but it is so hard to make the break. And what if I do end it as he's on his way up?

And then how do I cope financially? I will NOT sell my property - this is my dream and I've worked hard to get here. It's my home. It's our son's home. But we do what we must for our children I guess. This is why I got the job, not only to help us financially but to finally give me some independence beyond him. I think I can survive without his income. And I am certainly capable of doing everything around the house and farm when/where required. I just want someone to share it with, not just a friend, but a lover as well, a partner. I'm not sure when he and I became a tag team instead of a partnership!!!!

Defeated knowing that you are 10 yrs in on this situation terrifies me. I can't do this for 8 more years. I can't. I'm exhausted already. It's funny, my husband always says I make things about me. Mostly because I say "I want this, or I need this to feel alright, or whole again or whatever it might be'. Yet he can't see that everything is on his terms, his time line. I have no influence here.

Our psychologist (we both see him separately) has told me to 'take control of my life'. Start doing things I want to be doing, and things I need to be doing. Make more choices for me and let him do what he wants. You know what, it's working for me. I feel so much better. I really have loosened my grip, my concern, my pressure on him. I have a job, I have my own life going on now. Instead of being consumed by him and his stupid friend.

She comes up a lot in my thoughts. Probably because I was seeing her on an almost daily basis which is a constant reminder of what nearly was. But I think how little self respect she must have to be chasing a married man. If she really was. Who knows. Even though I confronted her and introduced myself, I really have little surety of her intentions. She was sending my husband texts which could be misread but could also be justified as well. It's hard to know. Go with your gut? She's a threat. She is a divorced mother of 3 teenage children. What is she teaching them with her behaviour? But having met her, I realise that beyond my wariness for her, she is a nice enough person. I would probably be friends with her if it wasn't for our situation.

I've tried to let her go as much as possible. I believe whatever it was has ended. That there are some lines that have been crossed and this can't be undone, and I can only move forward. I love my husband. What definition that love takes is yet to be determined. I'm just appreciating that he's been a happier version of himself over the past week, and has been trying to do things to help - turn on the dishwasher, feed the chooks. As simple and small as these tasks seem they are huge steps forward. Will the outcome change if he gets 'happy'? He may still not love me. I may have spent the past 2 years hoping for an outcome that won't eventuate, but at least I know I have given it everything - my all.

Defeated - write back. I hope you are okay. I wish I could give you an email address so you could vent to me and vice versa. I expect it would make us both feel a bit better knowing that there is someone on the other end who really does understand how we both feel.

I am very new to this experience, only about 10 days ago I felt like my world was falling apart. My husband and I are highschool sweethearts. We both have wonderful families, successful careers, we hardly fight, two beautiful girls 3 and 1yo. I thought I had the perfect life, so much to look forward to. But its all changed now. I found out he's been miserable in the last year since we had our 2nd daughter. He said he no longer feels any love in our relationship, that he doesnt see the point in life, that he resents us having kids so early, he said he resents them. This started as a bit of doubt, that grew in his mind. He loves our girls, admittedly more our first born.
He has gone and let himself fall for another woman, lied to her, lied to me, and if he wasnt caught I dont know how far it would go. He justified it by saying it was the only way he could feel any happiness in his life. having moments with her was the only way he could carry on with life, to finish a days work.
It was painful to hear that but I have accepted it.
We are at a point where we have decided to stay together for the kids sake, and he's made that very clear to me. Not for me, not for the marriage, not for himself. We are both able financially to be apart, we both want more out of life. he wants to be free, i want someone to love me. I know there's no guarntees that either of us will find that, but at times it seems like a risk worth taking. But I love him, I see he's showing signs of depression, I want to stay to help him. He doesnt see that he needs help, he hasnt seeked help from GP or psychologist for this reason. Beyond Blue have been very helpful in pointing me in this direction, and to tell me that I can only support him and suggest that he seek help. That he needs to want it for himself. How long do I wait? What else can i do to make him see that he is not alone, that he doesnt have to be strong, that he needs to do this for his own sake as well as ours.
I mainly wanted to thank everyone who has posted here, for sharing their stories. I see your strengths, and it inspire me to keep going. it helps to know there are others who are going through similar things. I can see that most of you have been battling with this for much much longer, and thats something I can take away for myself. Thank you

Hi,
I will try to keep this brief, mainly because my two babies are asleep and they may wake anytime now.
i have read all of your entries and felt so thankful to your sharing. I tried to share a few times, once without success because I clicked the wrong button, then other times half way down the page I realised I havent even started my story... it seemed endless. Then I tried again, but then I thought what was the point in me sharing. i didnt need to vent, I needed answers, and it seemed not quite right in a forum. i thought of discussing it with a therapist, but havent seen the point because I felt I was still coping.
Briefly, husband and I are 30, until two weeks ago, I thought I had the perfect life. We are highschool sweethearts, we are successful in our career, supportive families on both sides, two healthy beautiful girls. Then i find out he didnt have any feelings for me in the past few months that he struggled to tell me because I believe he is an incredible person, who expected more of himself. He resented our life, it was unfufilling, he resented our girls because they were hard work, but most of all he resente himself for feeling this way. This drove him into depression, and led him to go and have an affair with a girl 22yo.... nothing physical, it just gave him joy and he said it felt like an addiction. I believe everything he said, and I still do. I felt so much betrayal, pain, fear, confused, helpless, angry, I felt sorry for myself.... among other things. I hated losing my temper with the girls, I wanted to know what was the right thing to do from there, to leave, to stay, to allow myself to want more...whats best for the girls, whats best for him, whats best for me....

We went away for a weekend first time without the girls, talked, cried, tried separation under the same roof, tried to consider our options... At the moment we have decided to stay together and work it through. It is hard sometimes because of his anger, because I still feel lonely and helpless. I wake up sad everymorning and angry, only today I didnt feel the need to lash out. He feels this all the time. He wont get help professionally. We have spoken to both our families and so far its been close to supportive. But the thing I'm getting to here is that he's been reading lots of books himself. Mainly along the lines of how to find happpiness, Buddhism books, books written by others of no particular religion that have gone throught similar things. I started reading some of his books myself, at first thinking I want to find a way to help him, but then i see so much in there for myself. i am glad he is reading them and I will continue to read some for myself. This is one that I find quite easy to read, the format very straight to the point and it just resound so much of what I am feeling and struggling with.
The Zen Path through Depression. by Philip Martin. Published by harperOne.
I know the Zen part at first I thought... uggh. But look its worth a try. And I hope someone alse may find this helpful.
Thanks again to everyone for sharing their very difficult stories.

Optimist, my heart goes out to you. It's how it started for me. All of a sudden the life I thought was perfect wasn't. It just happened. Or at least appeared to have just happened but it was a slow progression that was left unattended and allowed to snowball before action was taken.

As I said earlier, it's been 2 years. Yep. Long bloody time and during that I have been on the worst rollercoaster of my life. I would NOT wish it upon anyone. But with great love comes great pain. I don't know where I'm heading, but know that I am moving forward. We're still together and every day I see a little bit of happiness coming through. I don't know if that means we'll stay together, or if it is just husband getting happier and things getting clearer. One day he might truly know he wants to leave me. That he doesn't love me. But until then, I'll fight this. It is depression, it's confirmed and it's a bitch of a thing to deal with.

I feel everything and he feels nothing. But perhaps that is starting to change.

Go outside and stare up at the stars. There is something bigger here than us - I don't know what it is, but take some comfort in that. In the meantime, know that you are not alone. And as sad as that is, I think it's very comforting.

Hugs to everyone.

Thank you A girl, you really are very helpful and inspiring. I do like your positive attitude and your strength and your willingness to reach out.

I always thought I was a patient person, but this is proving to be so much harder than I had thought. When my husband and I talk, he does tell me he cannot say when or if his love for me will come back, that I need to stop waiting. Stop sending him nice messages because then make him feel guilty. So I try to hold back. We have not had any skin contact in the last 2 weeks. He sleeps on the couch, will not let me hold his hand, not let me kiss him goodnight.

Every couple of days I break down crying, screaming, its like my heart is breaking all over again. Nothing has changed, we go back to the same pain and indecision, after the screaming, we start over. We wait, be patient, be supportive, go through the daily tasks and routines...knowing it will definitely blow up again sooner or later.

My family are worried that I will go into depression myself... but no, I think I will take all of your advice. Look after myself, do things for me, look at the stars, keep smiling, blow up when I need to...I guess I need to accept that this may well be the life I'm dealt with. No one ever plan on these things when they are young and in love, but it happens to lots of pple, we just happen to be the ones that it happens to.

Looks like we may make a change and move into a unit in the city from the suburbs. It will take us away from our current routines, I will have to find new work, but its closer to his work and so we are hoping that will have a positive impact on his well being. I have always liked the city and maybe this change is just what we need. I tell my family this is better than moving to England or Japan where we dont know anyone or even speak japanese.

Here's to looking forward.

I'm new to this. My husband and i are only young, 24. We've been married for 2 and a half years and together for almost 5. A month ago my husband broke down and told me that he wasn't happy, that he couldn't see any point to anything anymore. I was shocked and hurt. I had thought our life was pretty close to perfect. And now my 'rock' was suddenly crying in my arms (and i've only ever seen him shed a tear tice before). Now i have to be the strong one.Its taken me lots of reading to understand that its not because i've necessarily done anything... he can't help how he feels. He went to the doctors a week or so after sharing his feelings with me. He is trying alternative methods for dealing with depression instead of the pills the doctor gave him. But they don't seem to be working yet. He needs to speak to a phycologist or someone... but i know i can't keep pushing. He needs to want to go for himself. We are supposed to be having a 6 week holiday in Europe next week. But i'm not sure its wise to spend so much money and all our holidays from work in one go when it looks like this might be an ongoing issue we have to deal with.
Reading other peoples stories scares me a bit. I'm scared of how our relationship will now change. I don't want to be lonely. I'm tired of having a lump in my throat from trying to hold in the tears. I never considered i might have to be the main bread winner. We don't have kids but i'm scared to have them now incase his depression is passed on and i also become a single parent. I'm probably worrying too far ahead, but all of this is going through my mind. I don't want to miss out on life because of him... but at the same time i wouldn't enjoy life if we weren't experiencing it together. I love him so much.

Sounds like a plan. But don't be disappointed if a change in surrounds doesn't change the turmoil at home. I'm not saying it won't but if the problems are 'at home' then wherever your 'home' is the problems may still be there. May be. Nothing is certain.

I'm 2 years into this. I know that right now where you are at, 2 years seems impossible. I gave myself a 12mth deadline, but here I am, still pushing on. And you know what, we seemed to have turned a corner since my first post. Whether it be me changing myself and doing things I enjoy and not focussing on the negative but instead the positive, or something in him, I don't know. But there seems to be light at the end of the tunnel. BUT I do wonder if I am being fooled and if one day the rug will be pulled out from under me. Look, if that happens, I know that I have done everything, gone above and beyond for our relationship and that I cannot look back and think "I wish I had tried that" or "I wish we had done that".

Hang in there. I saw signs of depression early on (when this all came to head for us), you know I was looking for something to blame other than me or him, or our love just leaving us. It took 18mths to get him to recognise that there was something wrong beyond the lack of love, and to get him to the doctor. It took, I guess what you'd call an intervention from his father to get him the help he needed. And it was still slow on from there. The 'miracle' drugs took about 6 months for a noticeable improvement. There was a change very soon after he began taking them but nothing dramatic, nothing life changing. But slowly it happened. We sort of broke through a wall a little while ago.

People always ask me "why are you still there? why not leave? You've given him 2 years how can you give any longer?". And so I ask them "how long would I want him to wait for me?" Or how long would they want their partners to wait for them? it's an unanswerable question. I guess everyone is different. I made a commitment until death do we part. There will be tough times. The magic uncontrollable can't keep your hands off each other kind of love will disappear, I accept that, and we become comfortable with the other person. I think there's an incredible type of love within that comfort.

Optimist, I don't want you holding out for something that may not be. BUT I don't want you to give in if your heart tells you it is not done. Good things take time. Talk to your GP about your husband. I did when we were only 6mths in. Then I managed to get him to the GP. And then he wouldn't go back for 10months. If Depression is your monster then it can be treated, it blocks all feelings, it skews all reality. It is a beast you will have to fight, but you can. It might take time to get your husband to recognise it. But slowly I'm sure you will.

I wouldn't wish this on anyone but I get such relief (and strength) knowing it's not just me here struggling in silence.

xoxo

Hi, my husband has been diagnosed with Bipolar II depression for the first time but has been suffering (as have we all) for over 40 years. I also feel completely drained. He is on meds but just can't seem to lift the sadness. I find it very very difficult trying to keep another person happy. He has isolated himself from family and friends and won't take phone calls as he "Doesn't have anything interesting to say". I have tried to get him interested in doing small things like fixing up the chook pen or gardening but he either sits and stares or drinks. He is irritable as well and has a short fuse but isn't mean with me. He just keeps apologizing and says that I could have done better and that he is a lousy husband, father, provider, etc. We have had severe financial difficulties although he has a good job but financial decisions haven't been the best. I said to him that happiness is a choice and that I choose to be happy no matter what but it is really getting me down and I have had suicidal thoughts myself mainly just to get away from the situation. I love him dearly and could never leave him so I don't have much choice.

I haven't been here for awhile... I've read all your comments and am amazed by the similarities in our stories.
My husband has admitted this week that he's addicted to heroin and smokes a bit of ice... Wants help now... I don't think I have the strength to deal with life with him anymore. I'm at the limit to what I can tolerate - being a house slave, looking after two small children, trying to run my own business, his put-downs, anti-social, unreliable, threatening behaviour, etc etc etc. I'll be 40 next year and would like to create a happy, healthy, joyful environment for myself and my two children without his depressing overbearing odious presence, and move onwards and upwards with my life without constantly feeling like i'm stepping on eggshells! Anyone ever been in a similar predicament?

Wow Elephant, you started this blog/forum off and are back. I keep checking in. I want to see how things are going. My positive spell seems to have taken a turn in the opposite direction. I promised myself that when my husband stopped taking medication or seeking help that it was over for me. That if he wasn't helping himself that I could no longer help him, or stay by his side for the 'ride'.

In my mind, if he wants help, or recognises there is a problem, then I am prepared to stay and do what I can BUT I always said if it was still awful, unbearable, destroying my self esteem and basically sucking the life from me and he was NOT doing anything to help that I would go. So what do I do? Is he just having a bad week thanks to his work (he work for himself and brings much stress on himself), or is it a recurrence?

I don't know. But I know how much I hate feeling like I'm walking on egg shells. I know exactly how that feels.

I saw my dr the other day. He gave me a book to read 'Journeys with the Black Dog". it's written by sufferers of depression (many who've made it out of the dark) and also those who live along side them. I'm finding it to be a relief, much like this forum. I'm not alone. And it also helps to explain the effects of depression on the mind. I'm hearing it from others, not just from my husband. After all there are only so many "I don't know how I feel" or "I don't know if I love you" that I can take.

Once again, I wish I had a way of giving you an email address. I would love to be in contact with others but without the forum. I wish I could help. You are not alone. We are all here - all of us in our own little worlds of pain, all at differing levels, and with differing points of view.

We'll get through. I hope...

xoxo

Thanks A Girl... have decided to stay for now. He's started really opening up to me today about his drug use and how he feels - a first for him and I think it freaked him out a bit, letting someone else into his dark little world... I'm sure the difficult times are not over, but as you say, so long as the lines of communication stay open and things are not frightening, unbearable and sapping the life out of me, then it is all worth it. Strangely, living with him has taught me to be a stronger and better person. I've learned a lot about my own mind in the process. I've learned also that having boundaries and limits to what I'm willing to tolerate, and letting him know what and where they are is going to help me enormously. I'm going to see if I can read the book you mentioned...

Thanks again, feeling like we'll definitely get through tonight... long may that feeling last!

I am so sorry to hear about your husband.

:)

Hi All

I agree, reading these posts have definitely helped me know I am not alone and I gather strength from that. Although our situations are personal and sometimes entirely different from each other it is a blessing to know that people care, and I can tell you I've shed a few tears reading other’s stories.

My husband has seemed to improve lately. I'm half waiting for the rollercoaster to come crashing down again and half just living in the present and enjoying the moments. He refuses to get psychological help (thinks it’s a waste of time and plays mind games with the dr) but at least he is happy enough to be on medication.

I still fear what it will be like when we have children and if I'll ever be able to grow old with him and like 'Worried' read these posts and think "will that be us later on?".

Like Elephant and most likely most of you, I feel I have grown in myself and in my faith, become stronger. Although our marriage has just started and I'm only 25, I feel I've become closer to my husband as we rely on each other. No one can understand exactly what we are going through, not family, not close friends or even drs and I've come to terms with that. Sure, they can feel sympathetic but I've stopped being angry at their stupid comments and hurtful opinions because they mean good.

Here’s to hoping this good feeling is forever. Praying and loving you all. XOXO

Star

Hello Elephant, i have a partner that is also hard to live with. I am always the reason why he is unhappy and often i get yelled at if i do anything for myself like use the computer or make myself a cuppa tea. One day because he had come home early and I did not make him a cuppa- i copped a tounge lashing and vilification for hours! It has taken me three years to realise that he is always trying to manipulate me and make me insecure about my own value to society. But over time, I have always fought against it, i like myself and know I am very talented, and luckily we do not have kids at home but the neighbours are alarmed by our loud yelling. In the last few months he has decided that because he works hard (and i am lazy) that we both have to go to bed when he does at 8pm every night. If I do a bit of email, watch TV or read a book, he has a tantrum and says i am a total waste of space and unable to show love! And as he gets angrier he gets more destructive. It is like he is a big spoilt kid. Recently I have just tried to assert myself and i said if he gets upset to smash his own things (not mine) and i calmy just go out for walks and leave him to deal with his own frustrations. Sometimes I am exhausted because I have to go out 3 times a night (at 9pm, 11pm, and2am). By 4am he gives up and lets me sleep till 6.30am when he wakes me to help him do work around the farm. I am not financially independent and so I have to wait till I can save enough to leave. I used to love this guy but he is making my life a hell and I have never been treated like this in my life- my childhood and my first marriage were wonderful. Thanks for listening.

My head is a mess. Things are getting better with my husband, he said he has accepted his life. He said there are still moments that he feels down, but overall, he's back to functioning as a father, at work, helps out at home, and like right now, when I seem stressed, he takes the girls out and give me space. But why do i feel so angry, so lonely, now I'm the one picking the fights. Some nights I lie awake wishing my life was over. I have a referral to see a psychologist myself but I keep thinking I dont really have much to say now, I dont know what my problem is any more. There are so many other ppl with real problems and I'm just a whinger.

I dont want to be apart of a marriage where we just exist together. I feel like we are just trying to be parents to our children and once the job's done, what then? We really are not that different now to what we were 6 months ago when all was good. We still do most things together. The only difference now is the awareness that the love is not there, or that it is significantly different. And so its hard to be patient with one another, hard to trust, hard to talk about random things, hard to smile, and the sky's not as blue.

Times like this i know I need help, but other times I feel quite fine. Is this normal? What should I do? Sit and wait it out, make an apptmt and hope I feel crap on the day?

We have bought a house, about 50 mins drive away, due to move in 3 wks, so if I start getting to know one therapist then move...I know it probably was not a good time to get up and relocate but i do think my husband is significantly better because of it. We only went ahead with the change because it was what we had always wanted before all this happened.

Thank you to each and every one of you for sharing, and hope that we all get through this.

I am a carer to my husband who has PTSD. I so want to come alongside other carers and support them so I am looking at starting a support group in the New Year. I am doing a Cert IV Chaplaincy course at the moment and need to undertake some reearch. I have chosen Supporting Carers (of course) as it is very close to my heart. I would love for anyone to be able complete some questions for me below if you are a Carer. Thanks so much. No personal names/addresses are required.

I am a Carer to my husband who was diagnosed 6 yrs ago after working as a Firefighter for 34 yrs. Please email gentlestillness@gmail.com with your answers. Thanks so much, please answer for yourself the carer not your sufferer.

1) Male Female Age

2)Country
State

3) Your relationship to the person diagnosed with PTSD or anxiety related illness.

4) Brief reason as to why the person was diagnosed with PTSD/anxiety ie Emergency Services (which service)/Car crash/Incest victim etc

5) How long ago was the person diagnosed with PTSD/anxiety?

6) As a Carer did you receive any support when the person was first diagnosed with PTSD/anxiety?
If YES please specify what type of support.

7) Has the support made a difference to your role as a Carer? Please specify in what way?

8) If the diagnosis was over 2 yrs ago has the support you utilise changed?
Please specify in what way?

9) Were you offered support at the initial diagnosis but DID NOT access it?
Please specify what type of support?

10) For what reason did you NOT access the support offered?

11) If you were NOT offered support, would you have liked support offered?
If YES what kind of support would you have liked?
ie Advice/Guidance/Knowledge/Friendship/Understanding/Just someone to Listen

12) Have you tried to seek support for yourself? If YES please specify what type of support and where you sought it ie websites/forums/psychologists/support groups/friends/family etc.

13) Have you been offered support at any time since the initial diagnosis?
If YES Please specify.

14) If you DID NOT utilise the support, please specify the reason?

15) Do you use physical exercise or any other hobby/interest as a form of stress relief?
If YES please specify.

16) Do you have any kind of Religious or Spiritual interest that you feel helps in your role as Carer? If YES please specify.

Any further comments you wish to add.

Elephant,
I respect you for your commitment to your marriage and your family. Even if you are considering a separation or possible divorce, there is so much to think through financially to prepare & protect yourself and your children. Since you work, are you able to carry medical insurance through your employer or should you look into temporary medical insurance on your own? I recently left my husband for similar reasons as mentioned above. I was afraid of how he would handle my decision to leave so I stayed too long. Once I made the decision to go, I gave myself one month to get things set up in my name. Good luck to you.

I'm crying reading your post.... because I know exactly how you feel. I've been searching for somewhere to show me I'm not the only one like this. I feel like my husband wants me to become as depressed as he is. I've just been diagnosed with a massive cyst in my head that could literally kill me and he won't even ask me if I'm ok... I'm soldiering on like you doing everything for 3 kids.... I've supported him for 13 years and I'm suddenly realising that all it is doing is breaking me. The guy won't even talk to me most days but when I raise it it's always somehow my fault. You are so not alone and I am thankful I am not either. Thank you.

It is any forums for carers around coogee? I call black dog but it is not foe carers?
Thanks

It's been a while since I've been here but I'm back now. But we've decided to live apart for a while. It wasn't really a tough call, it just took a long time to get there. We're going to stay committed to each other for 6mths and see if hte break apart will give us (him) any clarity on whether he does truly want to be with me or not. Our son who is 6 seems okay with it all but when it finally happens and he's spending one week with Mum and one week with Dad it might be different. We'll still be spending Christmas together, and having a family holiday in January so hopefully it's okay.

I'm happy with our decision. Although I'm not sure if we're just dragging out the inevitable or not. At least, if it doesn't work and we do pull the pin, I know htat I have done everything I can to try to save my marriage, bar living in a situtation that is not happy just for the sake of a piece of paper.

I can only hope that this is the right thing. That our relationship (plutonic or not) will be better for a little time apart to 'find ourselves'.

Best wishes to everyone. Christmas is a hard time of year and I hope we all get through this with love, happiness and a lot less stress than regular ol' days bring along.

My husband has had depression and anxiety for the last two years. He is up and down and all over the place. It is like living with three different people. The depressed one, the anxious one and the perfectly normal happy one. I feel like I am on a roller coaster ride of emotions. Mostly it is the sad or anxious one. I have a 4 year old and 18 month old and have found it so hard to manage with a new born/now toddler and toddler/now little girl and my husbands ups and down. He tries so hard to help and does and at other times he will just stand and look and wonder around the house with his shoulders dropped walking in circles and I want to scream as I am racing around getting everyone breakfasted and dressed, dishes done etc so we can go somewhere. Sometimes I think I am just so tired of looking at your sad face all the time. Everything is such an effort and mostly sees the problem with everything as apposed to a solution or the blessings in it. I am tired all the time and think what is wrong with me. I am tired of hiding it from the outside world and putting on a happy face when I feel like howling my eyes out. The days when he is good and normal are just amazing and so beautiful. Each year I have thought well we should be getting better now and maybe by the end of this year. I used to push him to get over it and find a solution and not to settle for this. Now I have exhausted all I can do and can see no end to it. I admire and am so grateful for the fact that he has still been able to work and has pushed himself to go to work. He also appreciates everything I do which means a lot to me. I just struggle to live with so much sadness, heaviness and negativity around me. It feels like it clings to me and I want to just scrape it off. I do love my husband and have no intention of leaving but sometimes I just want to get away from him because his energy is so hard to be around. I get angry with him and I know it is hard for him but at times I want to give him a kick in the but and say pull yourself together and stop wallowing in your self pity.It has been the toughest 2 years of my life and I feel just spend and worn out. Depression feels like a bottomless pit that just sucks energy from where ever it can get it and does not give anything back in return. I just want to enjoy my children and cherish the time with them but I find myself losing my temper with my 4 year old who is so emotional and all over the place herself. I just want to be on my own to read my books, go for walks on the beach and sleep. Underneath my frustration I feel so blessed to have two beautiful children, a home, food on my table etc. I guess what this has really taught me is to value each little pleasure: a walk on the beach, my children's laughter, a delicious meal and good day with my husband.

I am so grateful to find this forum to vent how I am feeling because at times I feel like I am so alone and don't feel like I can talk to anyone. With a chronic illness people don't want to hear about it too much understandably and I don't want others to think badly of my husband because of what I have said.

You are all an inspiration.

My wife has social anxiety disorder, OCD and depression. She couldn't deal with relationship commitments and responsibility and left me. We had 3 kids together.

I struggled for a few months trying to patch it back up. I've now realised that she is going to be like this for a long time so I've given up as she has. So many mixed emotions: betrayal, anger sadness, anxiety.

She also lost control of our finances and didn't tell me. I think that I have some relief for letting it go. But she is going to be in a bad place for a long time

Thank you all for posting so far.
I have read each post and cried. I wish I was alone, no one should have to deal with this. A carer of 2 little children 1yo and 4yo and up to the week before Christmas one sick husband, diagnosed with depression and I believe he is suffering ptsd.
Nearly 7 years together, married almost 6, moved states and jobs, 2 beautiful children. I love him but don’t like what he has done to me.
He lost his temper and hurt me, badly enough that I still feel (6 weeks on) where he hit me but not badly enough to put me in hospital. The day after he left (a good thing, but hard on me and the kids)
I have spent a year walking on eggshells at home and at work. Yet my personality is to get things 'done', fix what is broken and get on with living (and enjoying life) but when you can’t fix it and as a result you can’t get things done getting on with life is nearly impossible.
Living with this person who promised he would never hurt me (the promise was about physical injury as we can’t predict what might happen emotionally and we both got that) and I no longer trust him, with me or the kids. If he could do that to me what would he do if he lost it with the kids?
I am so sick of crying. I am wanting to move on but my well husband is a man that would be impossible to walk past. Witty, intelligent, caring, loving and kind. Loves his kids to bits and plays with them beautifully. The temper has affected them, Miss 4 still has bladder control issues when he is about. Yes he has hit her, hard no but inappropriately YES.
The pain that I can’t fix things at times feels unbearable. What do you say to a nearly 2 yo who wants his Daddy to tuck him in? Or a 4 yo who screams that "Dad would not make me do this"? I am tired and sleep does not want to come when I feel like this. Just realise that what I am writing is my normal journal entry... Really I just wanted to share and say yes there is one more carer out there, also to thank those who have shared before me. With luck we will all come through in one piece.

I cried when I read your post too. A couple of years ago our family was in exactly the same situation. Venting feelings of resentment, confusion, shame, disgust, hatred became the norm. So did expressing what a welcome relief death would be, natural or unnatural, just soon. Now we are getting on with our lives. My husband has a new partner and a new baby and my daughter lives with them. I have since recovered and I've been stable. Now I can see that it just wouldn't have been possible in that situation. I am filled with self-hatred already. I've had very little contact with my daughter. He says I am nothing but toxic and he doesn't want me in her life. Venting didn't help my ex-husband deal with his feelings. It entrenched them.

My message to you is that no matter how you feel about him, he is your children's father. You need to focus on how important it is for them that he gets well and stays well. You don't have to stay and take care of him. You don't have to let go of your feelings either. Just don't let go of your shared goal of giving your kids the best you can of both of you.

Feeling so sick in the stomach thinking about where to from here.... So grateful that I've just saved my husband from suicide for the umpteenth time. He's sleeping now, I hope he finally gets the help he needs tomorrow. I'm getting so numb and drained, so exhausted by this. How can I continue to help someone who won't help themself? That's not true though... He must be helping himself... He's still here after all these years with no treatment. He has to get help tomorrow. I just hope I can finally get him there.

Hi Lonely Lady
I hope that my husband never goes down that track but I know how you feel. He selfharms with kitchen knives and whatever he can find when he is having his "down days" and I feel so helpless, so alone and so worried.
It's getting better though, I'm learning to recognise when he is spiralling down and when its gets so bad I drug him up with his medication and watch him sleep on the lounge and wonder how I can cope with it all.
He refuses to get proper help, refuses to see or talk to a professional but thank God he does take his tablets.
I want you to know that I feel for you and am sending all my love your way. And you are right, he is still here, he is still living. I hope that he does end up receiving the help you want him to get, even if it is medication and not reoccuring visits to a proffesional.
Lots of Love
Star