Living with a husband with anxiety and depression

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User offline. Last seen 2 years 30 weeks ago. Offline
Joined: 04/20/2011

Need to vent!!!!!!! I feel so angry and frustrated with my husband's behaviour. I know I'm supposed to be loving and supportive to help him get better, but tonight I don't feel loving towards him at all. I feel angry and resentful. I'm feeling sorry for myself for being stuck with someone like him. I wish he would get better or get out of my life! It sounds awful, but the honest truth is that him dying or taking his own life at this point would be a big relief for me. I am just so tired and exhausted from doing everything at home (housework, childcare etc) as well as work 3-4 days per week while he does very little. The expectation of me is that I contribute significantly to our household income and the fact that I haven't much in the last 4 years ( our daughter is 4) makes him resentful of me! Unbelievable! This shows that he has absolutely no understanding of how his behaviour affects me. How can he expect me to do EVERYTHING and contribute financially as well. Here is an example... I'm 5.5 months pregnant with our second child, have been working all day, collect daughter from dsy care on way home, get dinner soon as I walk in, feed child, eat myself, bath child, clean her teeth, read stories to her and put her to sleep, wash dishes then sit down to check email and do a little preparation for the next working day. My husband's activities while all this is going on is to get home from work early, crash on the couch, go outside for a cigarette, crash on the couch again complaining bitterly about the fact that it is unfair that he has to go on a family holiday with us in a couple of days because he is so tired that he just wants to stay home. All a really typical scenario in our house hold. He is on 3 different medications which seem to control his depression quite well (finally) but the anxiety seems to still be a big problem... The latest thing that is just unbearable is that he is so tired all the time that he wants to sleep in the couch every evening and often all weekend and has no energy to do anything. Even before this, it has been a constant battle to get him to participate in our lives and be sn active, present member of the family. I feel like a single parent with a preschooler and a very demanding special needs child. It is very draining and extremely frustrating to live with someone like him. I have planned our separation and divorce countless times! I don't really want this, but I can't stand his behaviour and the constant waiting for him to get better. I'm starting to feel like he never will, and I just want to be free if his odious prescence and get on with my life!!!!!

bellab (not verified)

Elephant,
I came looking to this website because I am in exactly the same situation as you. I am at my wits end on what to do anymore. All I can think is thank goodness I am currently well because if I wasn't the whole household would fall apart.
I am acused on a daily basis of having an affair, yelled at in front of the children, he has been physical with me. I have only loved, supported and committed myself to this man who now believes I am a nothing which is so very hurtful all the time.
I work full time in a very demanding job and have two children aged 5 and 11. I have always helped contribute within the relationship financially very well.
I feel now I have built this wall up between me and him. I can't stand for him to touch me, kiss me or even become intimate with me. This makes him more upset with me and yells whatever sort of abuse that comes to his head.
I feel he is getting worse even though on medication.
I feel so helpless.
I wish I could leave, but feel I don't have the strength to walk away.

Anonymous (not verified)

Hi...I must say these posts are concerning, yours more than the others to me. You have definantly touched a nerve.
Maybe you could get some private counseling from a battered spouses house? I don't know what types of resources you have in your town.
My husband committed suicide in front of me years ago. I had two little boys at the time, six and two. These sons are definantly affected by the act. They are grown men now, but the older one hates me because he feels like its my fault his dad is gone. I am someone to blame.
The guilt almost ate me alive; I got involved in an abusive relationship, which didn't help anything.
What I have learned? Our children are sponges. They watch everything we do, they soak up every experience we have. My heart goes out to you ma'am, but also to your kids.
Please try to find the courage to run (not walk), away from this destructive situation. I know you love him I'm sure it feels impossible to make the change.
Show your babies how important they are..that they are enough of a reason to not live in fear and tyranny
"Be careful. Strive to be happy"

User offline. Last seen 2 years 11 weeks ago. Offline
Joined: 07/05/2010

Hi bellab,

thanks for visiting our site and sharing your circumstances with us. I know that it gives other carers and families who are experiencing similar issues great relief to see (or read) that they are not alone. That it no way suggests that because it is common that it is ok, but it is of comfort to know that we are not alone in our personal circumstances as we often feel so isolated.

Often the opportunity to write and to express our feelings and frustrations of a day, week, life in the shadow of mental illness can help but it is also beneficial to be able to talk to others and to reflect on their strategies and coping skills. I would encourage people who are affected by this to call our Information and Support Line as each and every person's circumstances, whilst sounding similar are different and unique and may require different resources and information.

Our Information and Support Line is available Monday to Friday from 9am to 5pm.  Staff and volunteer support workers can be contacted on (02) 9332 0700 or Toll Free on 1800 655 198.

Thank you again for sharing your story.

Star (not verified)

Hi All

After many times of going through this alone I found this website to express my feelings. My husband suffers from severe depression and anxiety but holds up best he can. We have only been married for 4 years and the depression has only been new for about 3 of it.

I just fear coming home to him in the shower washing blood away from where he has self harmed with a knife. It breaks my heart every time. I fear one day it will be so much worse. I fear the days ahead when we have kiddies and they ask me why Daddy has scars all over his arms and legs. On days like this when people talk about growing old together I wonder if I'll ever get the chance.

He is on medication which seems to be doing the trick but sometimes when he forgets to take it, it goes bad for him. Or sometimes when a particular stress occurs he can't help but spiral into an angry 'I hate myself' phase. It's so frustrating that his communication levels suck.

He's a great husband, beautiful, kind, loving, caring. I just wish I could do more for him. I wish I could put on a special suit and go one to one combat with his illness and snap its neck.

I love him so much but he surely does break my heart sometimes and it hurts so much but I know I need to be strong.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Lots of love

Star

User offline. Last seen 2 years 11 weeks ago. Offline
Joined: 07/05/2010

Hi Star,
thank you so much for sharing y0ur personal journey with us. Life as a family member and / or carer of a person with a mental illness can be such a scary, challenging and lonely time. Please remember that you are not alone. Whilst your experience is a very personal and real experience for you and your husband, it is a journey that many others are on or have been on. Mental Health Carers ARAFMI and other similar organisations are able to put you in touch with support groups where you are able to be with and talk to others on a similar journey. Please feel free to contact us on our Information and Support Line (02 9332 0700) to find services in your area that maybe able to assist you and be a place of comfort.

The team at ARAFMI.

User offline. Last seen 9 weeks 4 days ago. Offline
Joined: 02/09/2014

Oh Star, when I read your phrase "I wish I could put on a special suit and go one to one combat with his illness and snap its neck...."
It is the only way I have found to deal with this. To make the thing into a separate entity, one that is not him. I call him Mr Sabotage and right now that evil arsehole is ruining our life. I have not picked up a guitar in over twenty years but this bastard, this utter (can't write the words I want to call him in a public forum)is so real to me that has me writing a hate-filled, dark as hell song about him, about how I will NOT let him destroy my beautiful man. I will not.
I will not.

I am struggling though and tomorrow I am going to make an appointment with his GP, for myself though. He is the only doctor on this planet who I think can understand this particular situation, one that has been going on for decades. I need his help too now.

Lots of love back
Kaybe

User offline. Last seen 9 weeks 4 days ago. Offline
Joined: 02/09/2014

Oh Star, when I read your phrase "I wish I could put on a special suit and go one to one combat with his illness and snap its neck...."
It is the only way I have found to deal with this. To make the thing into a separate entity, one that is not him. I call him Mr Sabotage and right now that evil arsehole is ruining our life. I have not picked up a guitar in over twenty years but this bastard, this utter (can't write the words I want to call him in a public forum)is so real to me that has me writing a hate-filled, dark as hell song about him, about how I will NOT let him destroy my beautiful man. I will not.
I will not.

I am struggling though and tomorrow I am going to make an appointment with his GP, for myself though. He is the only doctor on this planet who I think can understand this particular situation, one that has been going on for decades. I need his help too now.

Lots of love back
Kaybe

Cooksta (not verified)

Hello,I relate to Elephant quite well,my wife has had a few setbacks over the last month & has led to a build up of anxiety to the point of being admitted into a MHU,as much as I tried to keep her safe & home,it was frustrating that she would ignore my help in anyway,like controlled slow breathing.Now I will have to endure weeks of seeing my wife in hospital with our 2.4yr old & await the side effects of these so called miracle drugs,one is Akathesia,that dr's wont inform relatives of,let alone the patients,it's a really bad anxiety/panic attack thats never ending & it's hard to cope sometimes as my wife is my soulmate & i'll stand by her till I die.I wish MH dr's would do more than prescribe drugs,like have 1 on 1 talks,group therapy,counselling,etc. Incarceration will not help those needing to be home with loved ones,they are not criminals,nor insane,most just have issues in life that they find difficult & need to express,not supressed by mind altering drugs.

Optimist (not verified)

I am very new to this experience, only about 10 days ago I felt like my world was falling apart. My husband and I are highschool sweethearts. We both have wonderful families, successful careers, we hardly fight, two beautiful girls 3 and 1yo. I thought I had the perfect life, so much to look forward to. But its all changed now. I found out he's been miserable in the last year since we had our 2nd daughter. He said he no longer feels any love in our relationship, that he doesnt see the point in life, that he resents us having kids so early, he said he resents them. This started as a bit of doubt, that grew in his mind. He loves our girls, admittedly more our first born.
He has gone and let himself fall for another woman, lied to her, lied to me, and if he wasnt caught I dont know how far it would go. He justified it by saying it was the only way he could feel any happiness in his life. having moments with her was the only way he could carry on with life, to finish a days work.
It was painful to hear that but I have accepted it.
We are at a point where we have decided to stay together for the kids sake, and he's made that very clear to me. Not for me, not for the marriage, not for himself. We are both able financially to be apart, we both want more out of life. he wants to be free, i want someone to love me. I know there's no guarntees that either of us will find that, but at times it seems like a risk worth taking. But I love him, I see he's showing signs of depression, I want to stay to help him. He doesnt see that he needs help, he hasnt seeked help from GP or psychologist for this reason. Beyond Blue have been very helpful in pointing me in this direction, and to tell me that I can only support him and suggest that he seek help. That he needs to want it for himself. How long do I wait? What else can i do to make him see that he is not alone, that he doesnt have to be strong, that he needs to do this for his own sake as well as ours.
I mainly wanted to thank everyone who has posted here, for sharing their stories. I see your strengths, and it inspire me to keep going. it helps to know there are others who are going through similar things. I can see that most of you have been battling with this for much much longer, and thats something I can take away for myself. Thank you

optimist (not verified)

Hi,
I will try to keep this brief, mainly because my two babies are asleep and they may wake anytime now.
i have read all of your entries and felt so thankful to your sharing. I tried to share a few times, once without success because I clicked the wrong button, then other times half way down the page I realised I havent even started my story... it seemed endless. Then I tried again, but then I thought what was the point in me sharing. i didnt need to vent, I needed answers, and it seemed not quite right in a forum. i thought of discussing it with a therapist, but havent seen the point because I felt I was still coping.
Briefly, husband and I are 30, until two weeks ago, I thought I had the perfect life. We are highschool sweethearts, we are successful in our career, supportive families on both sides, two healthy beautiful girls. Then i find out he didnt have any feelings for me in the past few months that he struggled to tell me because I believe he is an incredible person, who expected more of himself. He resented our life, it was unfufilling, he resented our girls because they were hard work, but most of all he resente himself for feeling this way. This drove him into depression, and led him to go and have an affair with a girl 22yo.... nothing physical, it just gave him joy and he said it felt like an addiction. I believe everything he said, and I still do. I felt so much betrayal, pain, fear, confused, helpless, angry, I felt sorry for myself.... among other things. I hated losing my temper with the girls, I wanted to know what was the right thing to do from there, to leave, to stay, to allow myself to want more...whats best for the girls, whats best for him, whats best for me....

We went away for a weekend first time without the girls, talked, cried, tried separation under the same roof, tried to consider our options... At the moment we have decided to stay together and work it through. It is hard sometimes because of his anger, because I still feel lonely and helpless. I wake up sad everymorning and angry, only today I didnt feel the need to lash out. He feels this all the time. He wont get help professionally. We have spoken to both our families and so far its been close to supportive. But the thing I'm getting to here is that he's been reading lots of books himself. Mainly along the lines of how to find happpiness, Buddhism books, books written by others of no particular religion that have gone throught similar things. I started reading some of his books myself, at first thinking I want to find a way to help him, but then i see so much in there for myself. i am glad he is reading them and I will continue to read some for myself. This is one that I find quite easy to read, the format very straight to the point and it just resound so much of what I am feeling and struggling with.
The Zen Path through Depression. by Philip Martin. Published by harperOne.
I know the Zen part at first I thought... uggh. But look its worth a try. And I hope someone alse may find this helpful.
Thanks again to everyone for sharing their very difficult stories.

optimist (not verified)

Thank you A girl, you really are very helpful and inspiring. I do like your positive attitude and your strength and your willingness to reach out.

I always thought I was a patient person, but this is proving to be so much harder than I had thought. When my husband and I talk, he does tell me he cannot say when or if his love for me will come back, that I need to stop waiting. Stop sending him nice messages because then make him feel guilty. So I try to hold back. We have not had any skin contact in the last 2 weeks. He sleeps on the couch, will not let me hold his hand, not let me kiss him goodnight.

Every couple of days I break down crying, screaming, its like my heart is breaking all over again. Nothing has changed, we go back to the same pain and indecision, after the screaming, we start over. We wait, be patient, be supportive, go through the daily tasks and routines...knowing it will definitely blow up again sooner or later.

My family are worried that I will go into depression myself... but no, I think I will take all of your advice. Look after myself, do things for me, look at the stars, keep smiling, blow up when I need to...I guess I need to accept that this may well be the life I'm dealt with. No one ever plan on these things when they are young and in love, but it happens to lots of pple, we just happen to be the ones that it happens to.

Looks like we may make a change and move into a unit in the city from the suburbs. It will take us away from our current routines, I will have to find new work, but its closer to his work and so we are hoping that will have a positive impact on his well being. I have always liked the city and maybe this change is just what we need. I tell my family this is better than moving to England or Japan where we dont know anyone or even speak japanese.

Here's to looking forward.

worried (not verified)

I'm new to this. My husband and i are only young, 24. We've been married for 2 and a half years and together for almost 5. A month ago my husband broke down and told me that he wasn't happy, that he couldn't see any point to anything anymore. I was shocked and hurt. I had thought our life was pretty close to perfect. And now my 'rock' was suddenly crying in my arms (and i've only ever seen him shed a tear tice before). Now i have to be the strong one.Its taken me lots of reading to understand that its not because i've necessarily done anything... he can't help how he feels. He went to the doctors a week or so after sharing his feelings with me. He is trying alternative methods for dealing with depression instead of the pills the doctor gave him. But they don't seem to be working yet. He needs to speak to a phycologist or someone... but i know i can't keep pushing. He needs to want to go for himself. We are supposed to be having a 6 week holiday in Europe next week. But i'm not sure its wise to spend so much money and all our holidays from work in one go when it looks like this might be an ongoing issue we have to deal with.
Reading other peoples stories scares me a bit. I'm scared of how our relationship will now change. I don't want to be lonely. I'm tired of having a lump in my throat from trying to hold in the tears. I never considered i might have to be the main bread winner. We don't have kids but i'm scared to have them now incase his depression is passed on and i also become a single parent. I'm probably worrying too far ahead, but all of this is going through my mind. I don't want to miss out on life because of him... but at the same time i wouldn't enjoy life if we weren't experiencing it together. I love him so much.

Ams (not verified)

I'm new to this as well. Things fell apart about 3 weeks ago for me when I endured 48 hours of constant verbal bashing. We are 37 and have three kids. I was breifly married at a very young age to a man who also suffered depression and popped heaps of pills every day. That ended very quickly. He came home told me he didn't love me and to move out. Luckily I had no children at that stage and it wasn't a difficult decission. This time however I love my husband dearly and we seemed to have the perfect relationship. Upon reading these other stories I to am pondering how the hell I'm going to cope. I already wait on him hand and foot and am confident I haven't anymore left in me to handle this. I'm lost for words really. Shattered that I feel like I've failed twice now. Shattered for my kids as well. I called someone for help after his initial breakdown and they told me to shopping, have cuppas with my friends or whatever it is that women do! Also have read websites about axiety and they just tell me that I need to be understanding and help out more. Confident, unless I work 24/7 I can't do anymore than I'm already doing. I'm crossing my fingers that he'll come out the other end, but have a dread that I'm simply wishing for something that won't ever happen. Not sure we should have to 'stick' it out. Not sure where I signed up to live unhappily for the remainder of my life because he can't pull himself together.

Thanks for the vent. There's only so much you can talk to family about and feeling that I can be totally honest to people who are in the same boat. And thankyou for showing me that I need to do things for myself as well. Not sure how to fit it in, but will give it a go!

I do love him and it kills me that I can't fix this like I've had to fix everything else.

adrian (not verified)

I am so sorry to hear about your husband.

Star (not verified)

Hi All

I agree, reading these posts have definitely helped me know I am not alone and I gather strength from that. Although our situations are personal and sometimes entirely different from each other it is a blessing to know that people care, and I can tell you I've shed a few tears reading other’s stories.

My husband has seemed to improve lately. I'm half waiting for the rollercoaster to come crashing down again and half just living in the present and enjoying the moments. He refuses to get psychological help (thinks it’s a waste of time and plays mind games with the dr) but at least he is happy enough to be on medication.

I still fear what it will be like when we have children and if I'll ever be able to grow old with him and like 'Worried' read these posts and think "will that be us later on?".

Like Elephant and most likely most of you, I feel I have grown in myself and in my faith, become stronger. Although our marriage has just started and I'm only 25, I feel I've become closer to my husband as we rely on each other. No one can understand exactly what we are going through, not family, not close friends or even drs and I've come to terms with that. Sure, they can feel sympathetic but I've stopped being angry at their stupid comments and hurtful opinions because they mean good.

Here’s to hoping this good feeling is forever. Praying and loving you all. XOXO

Star

Optimist (not verified)

My head is a mess. Things are getting better with my husband, he said he has accepted his life. He said there are still moments that he feels down, but overall, he's back to functioning as a father, at work, helps out at home, and like right now, when I seem stressed, he takes the girls out and give me space. But why do i feel so angry, so lonely, now I'm the one picking the fights. Some nights I lie awake wishing my life was over. I have a referral to see a psychologist myself but I keep thinking I dont really have much to say now, I dont know what my problem is any more. There are so many other ppl with real problems and I'm just a whinger.

I dont want to be apart of a marriage where we just exist together. I feel like we are just trying to be parents to our children and once the job's done, what then? We really are not that different now to what we were 6 months ago when all was good. We still do most things together. The only difference now is the awareness that the love is not there, or that it is significantly different. And so its hard to be patient with one another, hard to trust, hard to talk about random things, hard to smile, and the sky's not as blue.

Times like this i know I need help, but other times I feel quite fine. Is this normal? What should I do? Sit and wait it out, make an apptmt and hope I feel crap on the day?

We have bought a house, about 50 mins drive away, due to move in 3 wks, so if I start getting to know one therapist then move...I know it probably was not a good time to get up and relocate but i do think my husband is significantly better because of it. We only went ahead with the change because it was what we had always wanted before all this happened.

Thank you to each and every one of you for sharing, and hope that we all get through this.

gentle (not verified)

I am a carer to my husband who has PTSD. I so want to come alongside other carers and support them so I am looking at starting a support group in the New Year. I am doing a Cert IV Chaplaincy course at the moment and need to undertake some reearch. I have chosen Supporting Carers (of course) as it is very close to my heart. I would love for anyone to be able complete some questions for me below if you are a Carer. Thanks so much. No personal names/addresses are required.

I am a Carer to my husband who was diagnosed 6 yrs ago after working as a Firefighter for 34 yrs. Please email gentlestillness@gmail.com with your answers. Thanks so much, please answer for yourself the carer not your sufferer.

1) Male Female Age

2)Country
State

3) Your relationship to the person diagnosed with PTSD or anxiety related illness.

4) Brief reason as to why the person was diagnosed with PTSD/anxiety ie Emergency Services (which service)/Car crash/Incest victim etc

5) How long ago was the person diagnosed with PTSD/anxiety?

6) As a Carer did you receive any support when the person was first diagnosed with PTSD/anxiety?
If YES please specify what type of support.

7) Has the support made a difference to your role as a Carer? Please specify in what way?

8) If the diagnosis was over 2 yrs ago has the support you utilise changed?
Please specify in what way?

9) Were you offered support at the initial diagnosis but DID NOT access it?
Please specify what type of support?

10) For what reason did you NOT access the support offered?

11) If you were NOT offered support, would you have liked support offered?
If YES what kind of support would you have liked?
ie Advice/Guidance/Knowledge/Friendship/Understanding/Just someone to Listen

12) Have you tried to seek support for yourself? If YES please specify what type of support and where you sought it ie websites/forums/psychologists/support groups/friends/family etc.

13) Have you been offered support at any time since the initial diagnosis?
If YES Please specify.

14) If you DID NOT utilise the support, please specify the reason?

15) Do you use physical exercise or any other hobby/interest as a form of stress relief?
If YES please specify.

16) Do you have any kind of Religious or Spiritual interest that you feel helps in your role as Carer? If YES please specify.

Any further comments you wish to add.

SimpleSandy (not verified)

Elephant,
I respect you for your commitment to your marriage and your family. Even if you are considering a separation or possible divorce, there is so much to think through financially to prepare & protect yourself and your children. Since you work, are you able to carry medical insurance through your employer or should you look into temporary medical insurance on your own? I recently left my husband for similar reasons as mentioned above. I was afraid of how he would handle my decision to leave so I stayed too long. Once I made the decision to go, I gave myself one month to get things set up in my name. Good luck to you.

relieved I'm not alone (not verified)

I'm crying reading your post.... because I know exactly how you feel. I've been searching for somewhere to show me I'm not the only one like this. I feel like my husband wants me to become as depressed as he is. I've just been diagnosed with a massive cyst in my head that could literally kill me and he won't even ask me if I'm ok... I'm soldiering on like you doing everything for 3 kids.... I've supported him for 13 years and I'm suddenly realising that all it is doing is breaking me. The guy won't even talk to me most days but when I raise it it's always somehow my fault. You are so not alone and I am thankful I am not either. Thank you.

Colo (not verified)

It is any forums for carers around coogee? I call black dog but it is not foe carers?
Thanks

User offline. Last seen 2 years 11 weeks ago. Offline
Joined: 07/05/2010

Hi Colo,
Thanks form using the website and contacting us.

If you contact staff on our Information and Support Line they will be happy to put you in contact with a local carer group.

You can contact the Information and Support Line on 9332 0700 Monday to Friday from 9.00am - 5.00pm. If this is not convenient for you, please email us at admin@arafmi.org and we will email the information back to you.

Kindest Regards
Keiran Booth
Chief Executive Officer
Mental Health Carers ARAFMI NSW

zebra (not verified)

My husband has had depression and anxiety for the last two years. He is up and down and all over the place. It is like living with three different people. The depressed one, the anxious one and the perfectly normal happy one. I feel like I am on a roller coaster ride of emotions. Mostly it is the sad or anxious one. I have a 4 year old and 18 month old and have found it so hard to manage with a new born/now toddler and toddler/now little girl and my husbands ups and down. He tries so hard to help and does and at other times he will just stand and look and wonder around the house with his shoulders dropped walking in circles and I want to scream as I am racing around getting everyone breakfasted and dressed, dishes done etc so we can go somewhere. Sometimes I think I am just so tired of looking at your sad face all the time. Everything is such an effort and mostly sees the problem with everything as apposed to a solution or the blessings in it. I am tired all the time and think what is wrong with me. I am tired of hiding it from the outside world and putting on a happy face when I feel like howling my eyes out. The days when he is good and normal are just amazing and so beautiful. Each year I have thought well we should be getting better now and maybe by the end of this year. I used to push him to get over it and find a solution and not to settle for this. Now I have exhausted all I can do and can see no end to it. I admire and am so grateful for the fact that he has still been able to work and has pushed himself to go to work. He also appreciates everything I do which means a lot to me. I just struggle to live with so much sadness, heaviness and negativity around me. It feels like it clings to me and I want to just scrape it off. I do love my husband and have no intention of leaving but sometimes I just want to get away from him because his energy is so hard to be around. I get angry with him and I know it is hard for him but at times I want to give him a kick in the but and say pull yourself together and stop wallowing in your self pity.It has been the toughest 2 years of my life and I feel just spend and worn out. Depression feels like a bottomless pit that just sucks energy from where ever it can get it and does not give anything back in return. I just want to enjoy my children and cherish the time with them but I find myself losing my temper with my 4 year old who is so emotional and all over the place herself. I just want to be on my own to read my books, go for walks on the beach and sleep. Underneath my frustration I feel so blessed to have two beautiful children, a home, food on my table etc. I guess what this has really taught me is to value each little pleasure: a walk on the beach, my children's laughter, a delicious meal and good day with my husband.

I am so grateful to find this forum to vent how I am feeling because at times I feel like I am so alone and don't feel like I can talk to anyone. With a chronic illness people don't want to hear about it too much understandably and I don't want others to think badly of my husband because of what I have said.

You are all an inspiration.

Sad, hurting and frustrated (not verified)

Dear Zebra,

I can relate alot to your situation. My kids were 5 (now 13) and 1 (now 9) when my husband's illness started. We were in a dark and awful place for a number of years....things have improved ....and no one except people/families in similar boat could possibly begin to understand the "whole" thing about living with someone with a mental illness (esp during those times when it's out of control and meds are not the right ones)...I remember thinking at one stage we would never experience the sunset on the beach ever again ...but yes... a miracle happened and that day did come.

I have so much I would like to share but would feel like a traitor if I did. So much, so personal, so hard.

And you're right ..this experience too, taught me about what is really important in life - it's all the small things that really count. I'll never forget my son gently tapping me on the shoulder,when he was about the age of 2 or 3, as I sit at the bottom of our stairs stressed and crying my heart out, saying "don't cry mummy, it'll be alright" or 18 months later when still stressed and sad, he drew me a beautiful picture of a rainbow with me and him in it. That picture means so much to me.

Hold onto hope, Zebra. Hold on. Live the best you can for you and your kids.

Sad, hurting and frustrated (not verified)

PS. My husband has bipolar. Beware the meds. What helped for us is me INSISTING to the psych to treat the symptoms and stop experimenting by just trying different drugs. Without going into detail, we pushed through til we found the combination that worked the best, also self admission to hospital stays x 3 times over the years - with husband's agreeance. I don't know about public system hospitals but before his first admission I researched and inspected the hospital to ensure it was appropriate. The different types of therapy sessions offered at hospital can be highly beneficial and include how to relax the mind, mindfulness meditation, healthy life style , dealing with grief, family, drugs or alcohol etc. Also the meds never worked effectively til he gave up alcohol (voluntarily while in hospital- now that was a true miracle).

Yes I'm still in a bad place but no where near as bad as before. I could never go down that road again. Nor could my husband.

Good luck.

Walking on eggshells (not verified)

Thank you all for posting so far.
I have read each post and cried. I wish I was alone, no one should have to deal with this. A carer of 2 little children 1yo and 4yo and up to the week before Christmas one sick husband, diagnosed with depression and I believe he is suffering ptsd.
Nearly 7 years together, married almost 6, moved states and jobs, 2 beautiful children. I love him but don’t like what he has done to me.
He lost his temper and hurt me, badly enough that I still feel (6 weeks on) where he hit me but not badly enough to put me in hospital. The day after he left (a good thing, but hard on me and the kids)
I have spent a year walking on eggshells at home and at work. Yet my personality is to get things 'done', fix what is broken and get on with living (and enjoying life) but when you can’t fix it and as a result you can’t get things done getting on with life is nearly impossible.
Living with this person who promised he would never hurt me (the promise was about physical injury as we can’t predict what might happen emotionally and we both got that) and I no longer trust him, with me or the kids. If he could do that to me what would he do if he lost it with the kids?
I am so sick of crying. I am wanting to move on but my well husband is a man that would be impossible to walk past. Witty, intelligent, caring, loving and kind. Loves his kids to bits and plays with them beautifully. The temper has affected them, Miss 4 still has bladder control issues when he is about. Yes he has hit her, hard no but inappropriately YES.
The pain that I can’t fix things at times feels unbearable. What do you say to a nearly 2 yo who wants his Daddy to tuck him in? Or a 4 yo who screams that "Dad would not make me do this"? I am tired and sleep does not want to come when I feel like this. Just realise that what I am writing is my normal journal entry... Really I just wanted to share and say yes there is one more carer out there, also to thank those who have shared before me. With luck we will all come through in one piece.

Myree McQueen (not verified)

I cried when I read your post too. A couple of years ago our family was in exactly the same situation. Venting feelings of resentment, confusion, shame, disgust, hatred became the norm. So did expressing what a welcome relief death would be, natural or unnatural, just soon. Now we are getting on with our lives. My husband has a new partner and a new baby and my daughter lives with them. I have since recovered and I've been stable. Now I can see that it just wouldn't have been possible in that situation. I am filled with self-hatred already. I've had very little contact with my daughter. He says I am nothing but toxic and he doesn't want me in her life. Venting didn't help my ex-husband deal with his feelings. It entrenched them.

My message to you is that no matter how you feel about him, he is your children's father. You need to focus on how important it is for them that he gets well and stays well. You don't have to stay and take care of him. You don't have to let go of your feelings either. Just don't let go of your shared goal of giving your kids the best you can of both of you.

Joined: 01/25/2012

Thanks Myree - I have read and reread your post. Things are better for us at the momment. My hubby is starting to acknowledge what he has done and how it has affected the kids and myself.
I have sent one little one off tonight and will take the other in to surgery tommorow morning. But i know that my husband (though still not living at home with us) will look after now master 2 while I focus on Miss 4 as she needs me in hospital for a few days. He is not my rock but he is doing what he can to support, tonight he will get a good nights sleep and tommorow will see Miss 4 and collect and care for Master 2.
Anger management classes, parenting classes, councilling, caring GP and medication which he now will not miss for anything... miss a dose and feel the anger well (really it is depression which he has not yet mastered but hell is he working hard.)
I know that he has a lot to process, it is me who has to make things better for the kids and give them a positive run at things.
Thanks again, I am truely focusing on what is best for the kids and giving them the best of me (not always successful and love reading "Go the F@#$ to sleep" when i feel that Dragon Mummy is about to emerge).
Things are getting a little better and time will give us an outcome either way.
I however managing a couple of happy healthy kids. The eldest has her bladder under control (mostly) and has started school. Master 2 now looks after his big sister with pride and asks for cuddles for comfort and to offer comfort. I can enjoy his infectious laugh (which gets the biggest smiles from people in shopping centers etc), his wicked sense of humour and his cuddles that come from the total love of a 2yo.
I am however so tired that I want to find a beach, a nanny and a very large bottle of something alcoholic that will not result in a hang over... I need to rest and a month of work seems to be helping but is not enough.
I am looking forward to new beginings in 2012. I hope others will also find some good things this year too.

Joined: 01/25/2012

Thanks Myree - I have read and reread your post. Things are better for us at the momment. My hubby is starting to acknowledge what he has done and how it has affected the kids and myself.
I have sent one little one off tonight and will take the other in to surgery tommorow morning. But i know that my husband (though still not living at home with us) will look after now master 2 while I focus on Miss 4 as she needs me in hospital for a few days. He is not my rock but he is doing what he can to support, tonight he will get a good nights sleep and tommorow will see Miss 4 and collect and care for Master 2.
Anger management classes, parenting classes, councilling, caring GP and medication which he now will not miss for anything... miss a dose and feel the anger well (really it is depression which he has not yet mastered but hell is he working hard.)
I know that he has a lot to process, it is me who has to make things better for the kids and give them a positive run at things.
Thanks again, I am truely focusing on what is best for the kids and giving them the best of me (not always successful and love reading "Go the F@#$ to sleep" when i feel that Dragon Mummy is about to emerge).
Things are getting a little better and time will give us an outcome either way.
I however managing a couple of happy healthy kids. The eldest has her bladder under control (mostly) and has started school. Master 2 now looks after his big sister with pride and asks for cuddles for comfort and to offer comfort. I can enjoy his infectious laugh (which gets the biggest smiles from people in shopping centers etc), his wicked sense of humour and his cuddles that come from the total love of a 2yo.
I am however so tired that I want to find a beach, a nanny and a very large bottle of something alcoholic that will not result in a hang over... I need to rest and a month of work seems to be helping but is not enough.
I am looking forward to new beginings in 2012. I hope others will also find some good things this year too.

lonely lady (not verified)

Feeling so sick in the stomach thinking about where to from here.... So grateful that I've just saved my husband from suicide for the umpteenth time. He's sleeping now, I hope he finally gets the help he needs tomorrow. I'm getting so numb and drained, so exhausted by this. How can I continue to help someone who won't help themself? That's not true though... He must be helping himself... He's still here after all these years with no treatment. He has to get help tomorrow. I just hope I can finally get him there.

Star (not verified)

Hi Lonely Lady
I hope that my husband never goes down that track but I know how you feel. He selfharms with kitchen knives and whatever he can find when he is having his "down days" and I feel so helpless, so alone and so worried.
It's getting better though, I'm learning to recognise when he is spiralling down and when its gets so bad I drug him up with his medication and watch him sleep on the lounge and wonder how I can cope with it all.
He refuses to get proper help, refuses to see or talk to a professional but thank God he does take his tablets.
I want you to know that I feel for you and am sending all my love your way. And you are right, he is still here, he is still living. I hope that he does end up receiving the help you want him to get, even if it is medication and not reoccuring visits to a proffesional.
Lots of Love
Star

Sad, hurting and frustrated (not verified)

How can I be married yet feel so alone?

Star (not verified)

Hi Sad, hurting and frustrated,

Hang in there. I promise you are never alone.

Star

Bonnie (not verified)

I am almost at my wits end with my husband of nearly 30 years who has depression and anxiety. When I read a lot of the other posts I heard my own story over and over again. That was very reassuring (that its not just me) but also made me cry.

For many years I have felt like I am living with the sphinx. He is physically here but emotionally completely devoid of anything. For years he has made me feel that I am somehow responsible, that I have caused his bad moods and negativity, and that i am stupid and do wrong things all the time. I can NEVER EVER live up to his perfectionistic behaviour. I always fall short no matter how hard I try. There have been many times over the years where my own self esteem has suffered so very badly that I almost came to believe that I am the one with depression and anxiety.

Things came to a head recently. We are having a few (very over due) modifications done to our home. My husband hates having other people in the house, so there has been a lot of comings and goings of a different tradesmen over the last couple of months. I mostly arrange these visits when my husband isn't home to minimise his anxiety. I haven't always been able to do this so he has had to cope with "strangers" in and around the house for sometimes days at a time. He also HATES change. So, as more renovations took place the greater his anxiety grew.

As he cannot (or will not?) verbalise his anxiety he shows it through his non verbal behaviour- set jaw, hunched shoulders, stomping around the house, slamming doors etc. He also cleans when he is particularly anxious (which can have its advantages!!). Recently, he was so anxious I thought he would explode- a tightly wound up spring is how he appears to me. When I ask him what is worrying him, or if I make a comment that he seems really stressed then he either a) gets more angry b) walks away and ignores me or c) categorically denies that anything is wrong - thereby inferring that I am the one with the problem . Many many times he has said that I have "misunderstood him" and that he is "just tired" and his favourite one is that "NOTHING is wrong!".

Why do I stay? I ask myself that question many many times. A long time ago I met someone who I would have left the marriage for but my husband attempted suicide. He has threatened it also on numerous occasions since. While he attends a variety of health professionals(he has a range of other physical problems as well) his mental health care is an example of one where he has slipped through the net. I rang one of his specialists to discuss his menatl health with her a few months back and for a while I hoped she would help him more but I suspect that he has refused to have his mental health re-assessed.

Anonymous (not verified)

Have been looking and reading some comments.All i can say is thank f that im not the only one.Feeling pretty alone at moment as he is being a shitter.not sure on what else to do.really not to happy and think in myself have given up.im sufferering and the kids are too.argh need to just sleep n rest but when .....man how sad do i sound...trying to keep adrift of work, kids and study and home..x

Anonymous (not verified)

Hi all,
I'm a first timer on here posting, though I found this site a couple of wks back. I was looking for hope and or inspiration maybe, that things do get better, must get better than this. But after reading the posts, yes I'm not alone, but somehow it almost seems worse for me. There are so many if you poor sufferer out there with very ill partners that are struggling for years, sometimes without much improvement.

My husband finally admitted 2yrs ago (after many months of naggimg) he could be suffering with depression. Eventually got him to go to the doctors who diagnosed him with it 1 and half yrs ago. Won't do counselling route, although after now waiting 6mths for a cbt appointment we finally got a Kittery confirming we're on the list! He's on really strong medication, and had been since the start. We have 2 boys,5 and 4, and I also work, part time since I returned from maternity. Things have been very bad at times, and since Feb he has lost his job of 14 yrs, sure to this illness. I have had to work more with him at home with kids. Though I hate leaving them so much, as most days he can't get or of bed, let alone even bother getting them dressed. I've totally lost all patience, though I know I should be more caring, I just can't. We have about 2 months until we lose the house and I don't know what to do. He won't look at any of the accounts, call any benefit people, they've channelled my child benefit and tax credits because they think er both still earn. I simply can't take the stress of doing everything and living in a dump because I'm at work a lot and he can't do anything.
I feelI'm letting everyone down, especially my boys. I feel lille I'm trapped with no wary to turn, though friends saythey will be there for me, I don't feel I can.
He had no friends anymore, he won't answer Amy calls from anyone and if I mention anything then I get abused.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not totally innocent in this, I've said some horrid things in the heat of arguments and I sometimes hate him for what his doing. I quickly lose my temper and shout at him, simply because I don't get anything from him any other way.
I think the best thing I can do is to sell the house (which well be at a loss) and turn up at the housing offices for just me and the boys. I just don't think I have the strength to get through this next stage.

Living in hope that something drastic will happen to improve any of our situations.

Anonymous (not verified)

If its that bad why did you get pregnant again? If you wanted to leave / divorce then why have another child with him? Do you think having another child is going to add to your burden or lighten it?

You say you are "angry being stuck with someone like him" but you're prepared to have another baby with him. You are "tired and exhausted from doing everything" ..... So another baby to care for is going to make this better?

You " just want to be free if his odious prescence and get on with my life!!!!!" Odious enough to get pregnant by him.

Lady you are either totally stupid or a glutton for punishment.

Anonymous (not verified)

Am I over thinking it all?

I want to start with the fact that my partner is a beautiful man. He is kind and caring and the best relationship I have been in.

This is what I have been reminding myself of for the past six years we've lived together (been in a relationship for 10).

He has worked for one of those six years, and about six months ago I gave him an ultimatum - get help or we won't have a relationship. This took me well over twelve months to psych myself up into meaning what I said. I was so scared of losing him. He wasn't happy with the conversation, but to his credit he did go see a psychologist.

However - there's always a however in these stories isn't there?! - this week he was diagnosed by a psychiatrist with bipolar II.

Now I understand this is heaps better than bipolar 1 - I've been reading about it, but the medication side effects (he hasn't started any yet) look to be quite bad.

I am so worried and I don't really know how to handle this situation. I am scheduled to go overseas for work in two weeks time and have to go. I can't lose my job because I am the sole income provider for our little family of two (he and me).

We have no family or friends who know of his illness. So while I'm away he won't have any support, so I am thinking he shouldn't start any medication yet? Is that wrong? Am I being over protective? Am I worrying too much?

User offline. Last seen 1 year 40 weeks ago. Offline
Joined: 06/05/2012

Some times when we are suffering from some kind of problems we usually thinks that we have to die to get rid of this problem but i think this is not the solution,any how God bless you.we have sorry quotes which you will like

Rotius (not verified)

Oh God, my life was made hell by my wife just because she thought i was cheating on her, she said i come home late from work and i do not even have time for her at all, but she was wrong, the opposite was the case. I was awarded a project from my office and had to finish it so that i can be promoted.
so my wife packed away and move to her mother's place in the next city, L.A. I was devastated and i have not been my self for 2weeks now, until a friend introduced me to a spell caster online whose email is priestessmunak@gmail.com
I have never done anything like this, so it seems unusuall and somehow. but i just have to play along and wait because she gave me so much confident that my wife must come back in 3days.
I did all she required and she casted the spell. in just 3days as she has said, my wife came back in the evening pleading with her mom that she is sorry for acting rude. I was so surprise that i thought it was not real, but to my very eyes my wife was ready to do anything just to make me know that she love me to the finish.
I can never stop thanking Priestess Munak for her wonderful spell work. she brought my family to gether as one again.
priestessmunak@gmail.com spells works powerfully.

Confused (not verified)

I have been living with a depressed husband on and off for 10 years He sometimes is ok then he rages and calls me names I work and have two young children He is trying to get work at the moment but is struggling due to being older I think He cooks and shops and does his bit but criticises me a lot. I know he would like some sex but doesn't initiate I feel no desire with him but sometimes have felt with other men though haven't acted I would like to feel desire for my husband and know sex would maybe make him feel better Don't know what to do I am seeing a counsellor for me and doing exercise etc to escape a few times each week. I feel alone and I know he does too

Confused (not verified)

I have been living with a depressed husband on and off for 10 years He sometimes is ok then he rages and calls me names I work and have two young children He is trying to get work at the moment but is struggling due to being older I think He cooks and shops and does his bit but criticises me a lot. I know he would like some sex but doesn't initiate I feel no desire with him but sometimes have felt with other men though haven't acted I would like to feel desire for my husband and know sex would maybe make him feel better Don't know what to do I am seeing a counsellor for me and doing exercise etc to escape a few times each week. I feel alone and I know he does too

Mouse (not verified)

I am so glad to have stumbled onto this forum. I have been living with a husband with depression now for 8 years or so. He was only diagnosed 4 years ago and put on anti-depressants. Then this year in January things really went south. He wanted to commit suicide and was hospitalised. Since then we have had a merry go round of drugs, anti-depressants, antipsychotics, valium etc etc. He is a complete mess. I have 4 children, 15, 12, 9 and 2 - yes the age gap does mean what you think it does. I work full time and so did he. His anxiety is primarily about work and this has meant that we are looking at losing our house now. I told our two eldest about this recently because I didn't want it to be a surprise and now my 12 year old is anxious about that every day asking "when is dad going to be well enough to work again?". I am so over the whole thing. I put on a happy face to everyone and everyone says "you are so strong". Well I'm not so bloody strong, I'm a mess. I hate my life. I am so lonely. My friends and family have been very supportive. I can talk to them about this but I don't want to - I just want to talk to them about happy things - sport and movies and books. All anyone talks to me about is him and I am sick of being dragged into this horrible sad conversation all the time.
Basically the private hospital has now discharged him worse than when he went in there. He just shakes and cries all the time and tells me he loves me and that he doesn't want to lose me. I had got to the point where I considered leaving him about a year ago because he was such an angry, selfish, horrible person. I wish that I had now because it would have been socially justifiable. Now he is like this pathetic puppy dog at my heels and although I don't want to be with him, where else is he going to go? He can't even look after himself. I find it impossible to manage a full time job, 4 kids and a special needs person. Mostly I find it hard to shield the kids from his behaviour. I am on egg shells 24/7 waiting for the next breakdown whenever he is in the house. How can a 15 year old respect his father when he sees him rock back and forth in a foetal position crying? I read "elephant's" last post on April 4 and it made my cry. This is exactly how I feel and I am so glad that someone else feels the same. I have been feeling so guilty and heartless. I haven't been able to express it to anyone. I love my husband but this is not the person that I married and he hasn't been for a really long time. I just want the old person back but that is never going to happen. Even if he gets better he won't be the same and neither will our relationship. At what stage do I deserve the right to be happy? When do I get to make the decision that I will never be happy again with this person? When do you make the decision as to whether it is more harmful for children to witness the emotional disintegration of their father, or not have him around every day?
I don't know the answers and I know that I will put everyone else before myself and stay in this relationship and be unhappy for as long as it takes. I just think it's great to be able to vent. Thank you.

whale (not verified)

I have been living with my partner for nearly two years now and am 28 weeks pregnant with our first child.
We are quite young - in our early 20's.

Early this year I had noticed he became more and more paranoid, he has always been very paranoid about me cheating on him or running away to be with someone else.
His anxiety levels increased and he soon became paranoid about people at his work trying to steal his position and has been more accusing of me cheating on him (even though the only time I am away from him generally is when I had been at work and trust me, I would not cheat esp. with people from work) I felt very trapped in our house and he made me feel extremely guilty for wanting to go out and see my friends which I have done maybe three times this year...

Back in May he developed 'dizziness' that stopped him from being able to work consistently. He had paramedics called for him because he appeared to be on the brink of collapsing at work and took time off near the end of June and has since not returned.
I had to quit my job at this time because he was on medication for his dizziness that did not allow him to drive so I have been driving him back and forth to appointments and to his parents house (who live over an hour away) and my job was unhappy with me taking time off so I quit.

Upon quitting my job, the company threw a small 'goodbye morning tea' for me and I was showered with beautiful gifts from employees for the baby and a sum of money that everyone in the office contributed to.
When I came home after my leaving party, my partner was irate at me.
He accused me first of of flirting with males at work and swore at me, made me feel like I didn't deserve any of what I had been given (most of which is for our child) and then would not speak to me.
Only till I was in tears did his attitude change and he apologised and tried to comfort me!
He even tried to justify all the nasty things he said, which I had not deserved in the slightest.

Part of the problem, I believe is that he has terrible jealousy issues and hates when I get any attention from anyone else.
This makes me constantly feel like I have to walk on egg shells and avoid telling him things.

He has had copious amounts of testing done including MRI scans. All his test results have shown that he is physically HEALTHY, nothing wrong with his brain, heart etc. Every specialist, gp, paramedic, hospital staff he has seen has tried to explain to him that what he is suffering is a severe anxiety disorder - he shows this through his terrible panic attacks, his obsession of terminal illness (he has convinced himself he has diabetes, low blood pressure, a brain tumor, stroke, heart attack etc. not at the same time though, once he rules out one medical problem he finds another one)
He still refuses to listen to anyone and is convinced his dizziness has nothing to do with anxiety.

Doctors have him on medication which he has taken for four days and no longer wants to take because it is making him nauseous. I am encouraging him to stick with it but all he can think about at the moment is himself. He is extremely self centred and knows that we need to find a home to live in in FOUR weeks because our lease is finishing up.
He is refusing the responsibility and has moved up to his parents house over an hour away and wants me to drive up there to see him (I have put my foot down for this one... Not to be stubborn but because I have our unborn child to consider and long journeys are not on at this time!)
When I ask him about looking at houses he cries to his parents and says I'm putting too much pressure on him.
His parents are completely unsupportive of his and my situation and I don't believe they are considering the fact that their grandchild will be born in three months and needs to come to a home with some stability.
They won't even contact me, won't answer my calls or reply to texts which consist of questions on how my partner is or whether they can organise his psychologist appointments, make sure he takes his meds etc.

I feel extremely alone and stressed. I am so worried for our baby coming into all this mess.
I do love him but I am also furious with him to the point where I don't want to even have him in my life.

My focus is our little baby and I believe to some extent he is attention seeking because he probably feels jealous about the baby and my connection.
Which I understand because he isn't connected in the way that I am, but this should be a happy time and it's not and he isn't trying to help himself because he doesn't even want to keep taking his medication which I know will help his anxiety.

Shirlmo (not verified)

Just reading all the above comments has me realising that I am not alone. I have been married 22 yrs to my husband and yes there are alot of days I wish that he would drop dead. Its not nice to think that way I know. He has depression and anxiety and refuses to admit it and now has just been diagnosed with type 2 diabetes. He is so controlling and verbally abusive and I have often thought of leaving, but stay knowing he would complete suicide if left alone. We have a daughter who suffers from bipolar and he is no help or suppport in that area.
He also whinges and whines because these days I earn approx $5000 a yr more than him, so I should pay all the bills. Mind you I am still considered a low income earner. He does no work around the home these days and I am a chronic pain sufferer and there is stuff I cannot do and he won't do.
I feel better after reading all the above posts

Anonymous (not verified)

i am a younger father and i get depressed but life is very hard and i realy do think that if my misses would just take down that wall and be suportive i would find some more happyness ...............
no body had anything to say on what you can do to help someone like me....
hugs and kisses even if we resist

Jane (not verified)

Honey, does your wife know you're depressed? We aren't mind readers but more often than not if you open up to us, we open up to you!

User offline. Last seen 1 day 9 hours ago. Offline
Joined: 09/08/2013

I would like to say that this blog really convinced me to do it! Thanks, very good post.
girlfriend activation system

Anonymous (not verified)

Would you like to share your story to help others?

greta (not verified)

Since wiseindividualspell@gmail.com cast love spell for me, things have kept improving and now we are back together with Pete. I still don't know how you did it but it really worked for me. Thanks.

Jane (not verified)

Sorry it's so long but all our stories are epic tales aren't they?

I always knew that I “wasn’t alone” in this. There’s so much information on the news and in the papers and on TV about depression and how prevalent it is these days. This can only be a good thing, if only so it makes people like us realise that we have people to turn to and gives us the information on how to find them.

I’m not new to depression unfortunately. My sister suffered through a devastating marriage with a manic depressive for years with only her sisters to turn to, and most of us half a world away. I never thought I would go through the same thing not 10 years later. Even though my sister turned to us with everything she went through, it’s hard to do the same. They know about the depression but they don’t know about the cheating. I don't want my friends or family to judge him and make things more difficult if we ever make it through this but I need to vent my pain and frustration. He doesn't want to talk to his friends about it because it shows him as being weak, which he’s not, or having done something wrong or hurtful, which he has.

My story is very much like all of yours. We have two beautiful kids and have been together for nearly 10 years now. We were truly happy... Or so I thought.

I won’t go into our life before. It was good. Now it’s not. He’s a very good actor. None of us saw that he was having any serious trouble for almost two years, not me, not his friends or our families.

I’d love to gloss over the fact that my husband has cheated on me. No woman wants to think about that much less have to live through it. When I confronted him about it, he tried to tell me that she’s just a friend, she’s not the issue, we’ve had bigger problems for so long now (news to me), everything he said made it seem like everything was my fault, that he was blaming me for sending him into the arms of another woman even if it was “just friendship” (bullsh*t, bullsh*t, bullsh*t). We tried to discuss things, even though he denied everything. He hasn’t attempted to prove anything to me, probably because he can't. It should have been easy to show me a flight itinerary or a hotel receipt, or even just tell me the name of the hotel he stayed at and I could have called to confirm it myself. It would have gone a very long way to begin to rebuild trust.

Rather than discussing the “issue at hand” (being his cheating on me) he chose that moment to tell me how he was feeling (or rather, not able to feel) and that he had thought many times of killing himself. That stopped me cold. In my complete rage about him betraying me and cheating on me and lying to me for god knows how long, I couldn’t speak. How the hell was I supposed to process that? He betrayed me, he hurt me and now he chooses to tell me this? Part of me didn't believe him, wanted to think that he was making up tales to make me stop talking about her and how much he'd betrayed me. Part of me knew from the look on his face that he was telling me the truth – about the depression at least.

We've yelled, we've screamed, we've cried. Every time I bring up "her" he gets offended. Yep – HE gets offended. I really pick my moments he says. Usually when he's having fun – why do I have to go and ruin such a nice time when he was actually enjoying himself? Why indeed... Usually because I can't take anymore or I'll scream and scream and scream.

I finally got him to see a psychologist about the depression, his nightmares and his suicidal thoughts with the intention of getting him in a state that he can participate in marriage counselling. But something always gets in the way. Usually lack of money but he's missed two on his own which he "just forgot" about. Which we had to pay for anyway. Nice to know it's so important to him that it slips his mind so easily.

He has said he’s broken off contact with her but that's a lie he's told me many times. My trust level is practically non-existent. Every time we start falling back into a comfortable place and we start rebuilding some semblance of trust I’m confronted with evidence to the contrary. I’m not stupid. But I have 2 children to think of who need their father and despite everything I still love my husband. I may not like him very much at times but there is still love. For how much longer I don’t know though. How long can one woman, however resilient, allow her heart to be crushed before she decides no more?

While I hate him for what he’s done to our marriage by cheating on me, I do actually want to be there to help him through this, if only so my kids have a healthy dad. And while I know it's something he needs to do primarily on his own we all live in this together and it’s affecting us all every day. I’m still livid about him cheating on me. I’m angry and frustrated 90% of the day. I have a headache most days and I don’t sleep very well. I’m coming to a crisis point I think where I won’t care anymore how my actions will make him react. I’m sick to death of wondering if he’s still seeing her or not, of him not “being able” to make an effort to convince me that he’s not seeing her, that he still loves me, that he wants to make us work or not.

I don’t know how to talk to him anymore without "putting pressure" on him. In the months since I found out about her and his depression I have tried to put the conversation about cheating aside (temporarily!) and have tried to show him that I care about him and that our marriage “issues” aren’t insurmountable (I don’t consider that they ever were insurmountable if he didn’t have depression we would have been able to talk about all the little things before they became big things). They’ll take time to work through but we can get there, but only if we both work on it together.

The hardest part about all of this is the person I would normally talk to is him and now it feels like he’s the last person who wants to talk about anything. I feel like I’ve lost my husband and my best friend. And to some extent I have.

When I look back of course you can see all the signs. Hindsight is ALWAYS 20/20. The quick temper. The heavy drinking. Staying out later and later and later and then simply not coming home until the next day. Withdrawing from the friends that he knew would be able to tell if there was something wrong. Withdrawing from me and the kids. Finding fault in the little things. Being sick to death of getting up, going to work every day and not feeling like you’re appreciated or getting anywhere in your career. Picking fights about silly things. And the very high “ups” and very, very low “downs”.

The thing I don’t think he understands though is that if it weren’t for his cheating there would be no questions in my mind. I would be there for him and that would be that. I would support him through his depression; do whatever we needed to do to get him through it. I don’t say this easily or flippantly. I know from experience that it’s a difficult thing to be a part of and it’s a long slow process to come back from the edge but I’m a fiercely loyal person and I value loyalty and love above most other things. His betrayal in the one thing that matters most to me is the one thing that has the ability to derail it. It cuts straight to my heart and that’s the one part of me I’ve never been able to control.

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