Hi!
I'm taking my own advice and starting the process of addressing my own needs.
My partner of over 18mths and I have recently split up (again, but in a way which feels permanent!) and I'm all over the place dealing with myself instead of the solid focus I've had on him and the issues he has and faces.
We met on line and he was lovely. I moved interstate to be with him, and we seemed to have a great life together - for the first few months I was unemployed and he seemed to love having me at home, even though his part-time job was barely enough to meet our financial needs. He has horses - a lot of horses - and dogs and cats and chooks and three donkeys, plus two kids to two different previous partners. I felt I had jumped out of my mundane self-centred career-only life, into the life I'd dreamed about since I was a little girl.
At first I thought the mess and general chaos around the property was due to his being a bachelor and not having much money. I set to work with a will, cleaning, sorting, tidying, and generally loving getting my hands dirty.
When I finally started work, it became immediately obvious that my full time job was not ideal for him. He didn't get more involved with the chores and maintenance, and things started to deteriorate almost straight away. He wanted to get a cleaner (which we couldn't afford) and he had grand plans to do things after work and on the weekends, but that NEVER happened. His family told me 'he can't change', and 'he's lost the will to do anything' and told me they were glad I was in his life... no pressure! His ex-wife warned me he would drive me crazy. I started to notice some traits in his daughters that made me suspect mild autistic tendancies, and because they have different mothers, I began to notice that my partner shared some very similar traits... fear of loud noises, sensory hypersensitivity, concrete thinking, routines that must be followed, and emotional flatness - together with a 'groundhog day' memory of 24 hours tops. I have a cousin with well-managed Asperger's, and I got the feeling that I was looking at someone with Asperger's who had never recieved any intervention.
At the 6 month mark, we had begun arguing, and so he started looking for a new girlfriend... without telling me or addressing his feelings. I discovered the first affair almost straight away, and we had a huge blow-up, where he said he thought I was going to leave him and so he moved on. He didn't think it was that big a deal. I was crushed but not really surprised - he only likes to feel good, and can't face anything that feels bad, and this girl he hooked up with was much younger and looked up to him. Our subsequent relationship deteriorated, as I couldn't trust anything he said, and he began to lie every time he said anything about anything - even unimportant things. He never wanted to say anything to make me angry, so he lied about if he'd fed the animals, when he finished work, if he'd been to see a friend on the way home, who he talked to on the phone, what he'd had for lunch - everything. Things would happen with no warning (plans made witho our friends, new animals bought, work schedule changes) because he would 'forget' to tell me, or decide that if he told me I might disagree, so better not to discuss it. It was like living with a single guy who wanted to sleep with me. I tried jokes, tears, calm, angry, disinterested, interested, or blank, but nothing made him change his communication style. Our fights turned physical - I'm equally to blame, and it's shown the darkest corner of my personality and I'm left so ashamed.
I tried to break up with him and he got really distressed - said he was depressed and couldn't face anything without me. We agreed to try again, and I thought we'd had a breakthrough. He made it about a month before he started sleeping with the same girl. I moved out, and he again expressed devastation and grief... I know now that it wasn't for me but for himself.
Because he wakes up every day and doesn't hold a grudge, he would call and invite me to do things with him, to go places, to come over, to hang out, and generally just acted like we were still together. That's the part about not coping with change. I gave him an ultimatium - clean up your house, sort out your feelings, swear there will be no more infidelity, and I'll come back. Months went by, and finally he had a spurt of energy and started 'cleaning the place up' and I thought it was going to work - only to find out he'd invited a female friend to move in 'to help around the place in return for free rent' before she went overseas. He was shocked that I was totally gutted by this decision.
She's been there for about 6 months now - she and her boyfriend are nice, they do the housekeeping and give a few dollars for the electricity, but it means he doesn't actually need me. My Dad was diagnosed with cancer, my new job was hectic and stressful and very challenging, my sister found out that he husband has been cheating for two years, and my partner's response to any sharing of my distress about these things was to say 'do you want to get pizza for tea?'... he can't do emotions.
And even now, after recently finding out he has been lying to a new woman, texting her and making her feel special, he won't leave me alone. His animals are poorly cared for, with several 'mysterious' deaths, and he just keeps getting more and more - the getting makes him feel good. The caring needed to keep them, doesn't. He has extremely high blood pressure, but regularly forgets or runs out of medication. He's recently gone back on antidepressants, but takes them intermittantly (very dangerous!) and complains they don't work. I worry about him, the animals, his kids, and the future... even though I barely speak to him any more.
What's embarrassing about all this for me is that I'm a mental health professional. I've been dealing with clients and families of people like him for years, and I didn't recognise it until it was spiraling out of control. I've let myself run out of energy, and become depressed. I've recently been accused of being narcissistic because I'm so desperate to have someone notice that I'm not coping with my situation. I turn 40 this year, and I'm not where I wanted to be at all - emotionally, physically, spiritually or financially, and I'm usually a happy supportive person who is able to care for others.
This morning I recommended ARAFMI to someone, and felt the hypocrisy of my urging them to 'seek support for yourself' when I've not done it myself.
So I'm here. I've read your stories, and I know I'm in a better situation than many of you - I don't have children with this guy, I've moved out, we're not still together... but I'm still caught. I do care. I still wish it could get better.
Thanks for sharing - let's not just talk about it this year - let's join together and support real personal coping!
