When the lines are blurred - A story of Friendship and Caring

When I first meet Jeff we were just sixteen and we became instant friends. We shared the same interest in quirky films, we both loved Red Hot Chilli Peppers and we were bonded by the fact that we both came from tough backgrounds. We meet at a Youth Crisis Refuge and after escaping a pretty scary situation with his father, Jeff was in need of a friend and after years of being part of the system myself, so was I.

We stayed close friends over the years and at the age of 19 life was getting better for the both of us. We were both given our own apartments through the housing commission. Jeff was studying film & television at Metro Screen and I was working in the city as a receptionist. We were both young and the world was our oyster.

At the age of 22 life was a different story for me. I had become ill. I had lost my friends, my job, my apartment and my sanity. Not having any family support I turned to Jeff. He lovingly invited me to come and stay with him till I got back on my feet. After spending four weeks in a psychiatric hospital I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder.

After my time in hospital I was unwell for about nine months. I was suicidal, moody, irritable and depressed. But Jeff forgot about himself and was there for me the whole time. He gave up his studies and life to help me through my illness. And with his love and support I got better. I went back to TAFE and started doing volunteer work.

The downfall of me getting better was that during my illness Jeff really had forgotten about looking after himself. The stress and the anxiety that Jeff was under everyday overwhelmed him to the point that he was diagnosed with depression and anxiety disorder.

The tables had turned and now I found myself caring for Jeff. Jeff describes his depression and anxiety as being in a deep void. There is so much hurt and pain that never gets released. In his mind the whole world has crashed around him and everything has become chaotic. Every day he feels like dying and there's no way out. To him there is no joy and nothing worth living for.

We both went through the rig amoral of trying different GPs, psychiatrists, psychologists and different medication to get Jeff well again. But over the years it just got worse. Jeff won't shower for weeks, he won't leave the house without me, he is anxious, depressed and tired most of the time. He has become withdrawn and isolated. His self worth and outlook on life has become so negative. The only thing he wants to do is stay up late playing video games.

Life had become very different for us. I can't tell you how many times I have gone to bed at night crying into the pillow praying that it would just get better. Having someone depend on you is tough to say the least. The ups and the downs’ the tears and the fights, the confusion and the unanswered question “Why me?” But I can tell you that you really learn what you’re made of and how deep your love for another person can go when you are a carer. And don't forget the good days when life is calm and peaceful and you send out a little thank you to the universe.

There are times when it’s hard especially when contending with my own illness as well. But also when there are tears welling up in Jeff’s eyes because he can't decide on what movie to hire, it breaks my heart. Or the first thing he says to me in the morning is “I feel like dying”. Another time being that a pushy sales person brings on a panic attack in the middle of a store and there no where private to go. Or he loses his temper at you because he feels so frustrated because he has to go to a doctor’s appointment and all he wants to do is sleep all day. Jeff always apologises but I try to remind him that its ok. When you're a person with a mental illness you are vulnerable and you face the world in a different way. You don't function like everyone else and there needs to be sensitivity to that.

I have been caring for Jeff for 8 years now and I can't say that life is getting any better or worse, it just is. I know Jeff tries his best and I try too. There are still the fights and the tears but over the years I have learnt a few things. Like kind words go a long way, learning to just listen without trying to fix the problem. Hugs really help too. I also try to encourage Jeff in whatever he needs help with, like encouraging Jeff to have a shower by buying him special soaps and gels just for him. Or by sending him up the road to buy milk and communicating with him on the phone the whole time to alleviate some of the anxiety. I also try to get him out of the house by taking him to the movies or coffee which he really enjoys. Another thing I do is I try to get involved in what his interested in like his video games. It stops him from becoming withdrawn and isolated. Being a carer isn't a easy job and sometimes I don't always get it right but I try to be the best friend and carer I can be because that's what loving somebody is all about.

Please note that the names of the individuals have been changed to protect their privacy